Monday, March 05, 2007

So...Spring Is Just Around the Corner...And I Look Like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

...and with Spring almost here, that means that summer is right around the lil' corner right after that one. I'm not prepared for either, you see, because this winter I have put on more weight than I thought possible.



You know you're in trouble when it's winter and you are self-conscious about the coat you're wearing being too bulky anyway...but now you are worried that you might take people out accidently as you try to navigate your way through small intimate restaurants, crowded department stores, and even on city streets.

A mere walk through the park can turn into a possible unintentional homicide if you turn and accidently bump into someone, your hips making contact with them with enough force to crush an oncoming vehicle. You turn again to apologize and take out three asian tourists, your arm so massive it crushes their cameras right into their chests, which later the NY CSI crew are unable to remove without a crowbar. You bend over to try to help someone up and your left butt cheek, billowing in the wind like jello on a plate at a tired cafeteria, almost decapitates an elderly woman's Yorkshire Terrier, Maltese, and West Highland Terrier. What saves them is that because your ass is so fat, the right butt cheek compensated, and due to the fact that your heels are worn down on your right side, you fall, crushing a stoner on a skateboard.

His dying words are: "Dude."

Obviously I used the 2nd person in this hopefully fictional account, but really know that it's my fat ass that I'm talking about. So, in light of that, I think I'm getting myself to the gym this week and ordering Nutrisystem.

Wish me luck; for the sake of myself and all of New York City.

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4 Comments:

Anonymous thordora said...

I feel your pain. I started new medication over the winter, and it seems like I have to pick weight gain or suicide.

Sucks really.

4:42 PM  
Blogger Full Frontal Honesty said...

I am SO in the same boat, ladies. Does this mean we need to see if the domain name www.bigassornerywoman.com is available?

8:58 PM  
Blogger choochoo said...

should you happen to take out a stoner on a skateboard by accident, I'll swear that I didn't see a thing;)

11:11 AM  
Blogger Róisín Rua said...

After reading this and all the comments that follow, I no longer feel alone in having swollen by 25% over hibernation season. Now if only I could gain back the ability to laugh at my flapping fat as it swats unsuspecting pedestrians into oncoming traffic...

3:51 PM  

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