Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Trust


I'm having serious issues trusting people - and the irony is that I didn't used to be this way. The problem used to be that I trusted people too easily. I have always had the ability to make acquaintances on a dime - and oftentimes I used to confuse that with friendships.

I suppose having about $1,000 worth of my shit stolen in college taught me a little bit about making that mistake.

Unfortunately, I didn't transfer that over to my love life. I still got involved with people hastily - not always, for things like that don't always happen. But if I look at both of my marriages, I can see a pattern there. Uh, like geting engaged within one month of dating. Um...what the hell was I thinking?

Now, to be honest, it was all a set up. I mean - I learned that, you know?
My parents dated for three months and then eloped to Juarez, Mexico. They've been married for 36 years. I suppose it's all relative...depends on who the person is that you get involved with - and the deep level of respect and love that you have for each other. For that can happen; it can hit you right between the eyes, deep in your heart, and right in the crotch - all in the blink of an eye...and not necessarily in that order.

All I know is that my brother said something profound to me a few weeks ago: "Be careful, Diánna. You are like me - you trust too easily, too quickly. I used to be like that. But I'm older and I've gotten a little harder and tougher now."

I dunno. Perhaps. Personally, I actually think that I've turned into a bit of a bitter old bitch. At least when it comes to men.

This trust problem is very upsetting. Honestly, it doesn't take much for me to throw up my hands and start assuming the worst. It's weird...there's a part of me that is still very innocent and wants to hand over my heart and share it; and there is another, colder part - that of the Aquarian that they always seem to talk about (and I always shake my head and say "no, that's not me!") that is clinical and removed - that, like Spock, mentally expounds on everything being rather illogical and therefore not plausible. Like having a Hal 2000 in my brain.

"This trust thing is highly irregular, Diánna. I call infinite bullshit."



My ex-husband told me that he thought I had intimacy issues. I told him to kiss my ass.
Then, I thought about it. For a while. I've always thought of myself as a very intimate person, one who shares a great deal of herself with people and tries to get others to do the same. I am very interested in people, in my friends, and my family. I want to be there for everyone.

And that is what seems to get me in trouble. How can someone possibly be there for everyone? So then, what - I'm kinda sorta there for folks? I would like to think that's not the case. People seem to like me and think I do a good job as a friend. I dunno.

In romantic relationships, I find myself vacillating between giving all of myself to something and being too scared to care - feeling like Jennifer Garner in Alias, taking pictures of secret files over enemy lines.

Right now, I'm scared to death. Terrified. Happy and thrilled, but terrified. It's like being at the very top of a rollercoaster right before the scariest descent, it really is. I know that metaphor has been used to death - but it's rather fitting, actually.

I am trying to work through this...I wish I could go back to trusting too much sometimes, instead of working so hard to trust at all.

2 Comments:

Blogger NYCbeauty said...

Hey sweets: We are so much the same. I have been soooooo trusting. Then I got screwed. Then I let no one in. Now I'm trying to figure out the middle ground. I'm here for you sunshine (and you can count on that!).
xoxo
jw

10:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very tricky. It should be who, not when......to trust. Maybe there is an inside voice telling you something.

And maybe you should listen?

8:31 AM  

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