Friday, August 04, 2006

Bullshitters Suck....and other observations from The Great And Powerful Captain Obvious.

It just occurred to me this morning (call me a slow learner) how fucking fed up I am with being bullshitted by everyone. At first glance, this statement might make me sound like a massive hypocrite since, despite being the World's Lousiest Liar, I have recently proven myself to be a master at the art of the Lie By Omission, as well as that of lying to myself. However, BULLSHIT in my book is a completely different animal from a lie by omission, or even a little white lie. BULLSHIT doesn't serve any real purpose at all outside of self-promotion and self-service. It doesn't keep you out of trouble or even usually out of embarrassment. There is rarely any real long-term monetary gain to be had. The only thing bullshitters ever seem to glean from their BS is the temporary love/adoration/friendship/pseudorespect of the people around them, some sex, and a couple of free meals. It rarely lasts, though, even if not because the 'conquests' wise up and realise they're being had, because once a bullshitter starts using other people to inflate his own ego, he usually doesn't stop at a few, and ends up fucking things up for himself by spreading himself too thin.

From what I hear, Los Angeles is the American Capital of Bullshit. I have spent all of one day in the city, so I really can't say, though I HAVE met a few people from LA and the surrounding areas (or who'd even lived there for a spell), 90% of whom are prodigious bullshitters. However, having lived in NY for over 15 years now, I think I can safely say that this place comes in a close second. People here are literally NEVER what they seem to be. In fact, dishonesty and underhandedness is SO the rule of the day here that I actually blame NY for my recent foray into fake-itude. (All of it, mind you, from the lying, to the drugs - to the lying ABOUT drugs - to the obsessive dieting, to the Botox, to the surgery, to the fact that I own a Louis Vuitton bag made expressly for carrying around a dog of such high breeding that it only managed to live a year and a fucking half) But as much as I have faked-out since I've been here (and been utterly goddamned sickened by it once I stepped back from it and looked at it sober *puke*), it still always amazes and disgusts me when someone else manages to come along and con me.

I guess what I am getting at is this - I am not a stupid person (so says Mensa). I consider myself to be pretty cautious, especially after spending back-to-back time in Belfast and NYC, and I have a bad habit of being un-trusting to the point of paranoia. NO ONE besides me has my credit card numbers, bank account information, email passwords, or even my freaking MySpace password (which has actually been changed 4 times in the past 7 days!). I won't even use public ATMs, and was just about the last person I knew outside of my dark-ages parents to buy stuff online. I've been screwed over so many times that I watch my back constantly. Well, I watch my back when it comes to everything EXCEPT relationships and friendships. For some reason that shit eludes me like no one's business. And it's HARDLY because I've never been fucked over by BS friends. That was the story of my life loooong before I ever had a credit card number to steal. Every friend I ever had as a kid (by 'kid', I mean like, under 25!) fucked me over royally in one way or another, lying poorly about everything to the very end, and I swallowed that shit like a $5 hooker until I absolutely could not ignore the reality anymore. When dating, I always, always fell for 'lines', even if intellectually I KNEW what was going on. I suppose my problem was never so much stupidity as naivete, but you would think that would wear off after a bit...? My mother likes to say 'Hope springs eternal'. Yeah, and that would explain HER mess too, wouldn't it?

What I mean by all this (since you're probably pretty confused by it....and I apologise....this is an off-the-top-of-the-head first-real-blog-in-months, something I absolutely NEEDED to get off my chest when I started writing. It may be blossoming into a rant, which could get ugly, so I'm going to try and cut it off at the knees now. Thank you for bearing with me....my writing has not gone to the dogs forever, maybe just for the next couple of days!)....is that I've been recently faced head-on with some of the dishonesty I've been perpetrating toward MYSELF, and SO absolutely disgusted with it, I've decided to try and purge dishonesty from my life completely. Problem is, now that I'm looking at myself clearly, I've inadvertantly taken the blinders off when it comes to other people as well, and I just can't ignore any of it anymore. Was I so into my own shit that I just totally missed the fact that I was being blatantly used by so many 'friends'? I guess so, and if the stupidity that implies on my own part isn't sickening enough, there's really not much more sobering than being a person with naturally low self-esteem and having to face the fact that people really and truly, just as you've always suspected, don't ACTUALLY LIKE YOU....they're just keeping you around for their own benefit, and take you off the shelf only when they need you.

And now that I've officially depressed the everlovin' shit out of myself, I'm done here. Have a nice day all, and I'll leave you with this - How can you tell when a person is lying? HIS LIPS ARE MOVING.

1 Comments:

Blogger Billychic said...

Oh, GODDAMMIT.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this shit!!

If it's any consolation, although there are plenty of people, I am sure, who are asswipes and are being fake to you...there are many others who do love you very much and appreciate your friendship.

2:36 PM  

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