My Name is Earl Meets Apocolypse Now: A Letter from My Ex

Ever have an ex that you really despise? Or someone whom you're glad to not ever think about (because we try to be mature and move on) but if their name comes up you spit on the ground and look around for material to burn them in effigy?

Unless you are a true Buddhist, have had a lobotomy, have great meds, or have just never left your house, you most likely have had such a person in your life. I know I have.

Such a vortex of negative emotion incarnate decided to send me an email yesterday, after we have not spoken in over 9 years:

Hi,
I know we haven't talked in so long, but I am making a list of people I have done wrong in my life and you, of course, are on the top of the list.

I want to formally apologize for having treated you so terribly in our relationship. I know the things I did made you feel terrible and I was with all those other girls while we were together...but I want you to know that none of them meant anything to me, really (well, except Shannon, that girl from the restaurant where you got me the job? She was really nice).

I hope that you are well and are happy with your life. I ask _____ and ______ about you from time to time; they say that you seem to be doing great and keep very busy. It's been so long, you've moved on with your life, and I'm sure that these things are all water under the bridge and you're thinking this email is really stupid...but I wanted you to know I'm sorry. My sponsor thought that it would be good for me to do this, and I feel it's a good way for me to move forward in my life - and make ammends to those I've hurt.

If you would ever like to talk about this, please email me back.

Your Friend,

S.L.


What does he think this is, an episode of My Name is Earl?

What in hell just happened here? I was doing just fine, despite the occasional moment when my mother would bring him up What ever happened to...?, or when I would see someone who really reminded me of him, or when he would come up in conversation with a mutual friend. This asswipe was pretty much my first love, so you can imagine there is a bit of emotional tendrilage going on...but I pretty much felt okay with everything.

I tried to take responsibility for the fact that I let this idiot control my emotions for the greater part of three years of a relationship and a possible two years afterwards in the "aftermath" (every see Apocolypse Now?), I tried to bear my part of the burden because I allowed the relationship to go on after the complete horror-show (the horror...) that was my life with this Fucknugget at the tender age of 20-25.



So what - he feels the need to make peace so that he can get on with his life? Apparently his ass hit a wee bit of rock bottom if his sponsor suggested he do this. My Name Is Earl is not a fictional program. They MUST have based that character on my ex. I swear...I thought that when I first saw the show...but I was laughing then. Little did I know how it would come back to haunt me...(the horror...)

I'd like to take a moment and dissect, if I could:

...but I am making a list of people I have done wrong in my life... - Ya got about two hours, you two-faced bastard? You fucked over more people than there are pills in my bottle of Xanax that I've had to take to try to get over the trauma of being with you, you sack of shit.

I want to formally apologize for having treated you so terribly... - Gee, thanks. How about the two or three grand you owe me for rent, food, and whatever else I paid for, you sonofabitch?

...and I was with all those other girls while we were together... - Oh, you mean anything with two holes and a heartbeat between the ages of 13 and 50 that you slept with while we were together? Remember the time I came home and found you in my bed with that sixteen-year-old, the one with braces? Ah, fun times.

...they say that you seem to be doing great and keep very busy... - In other words, you heard I've been married and divorced twice, due to the shell-shock of having been with your skank ass.

...I'm sure that these things are all water under the bridge... - Ah, actually, no. It WAS until you wrote my ass and awakened this shit, like something out of The Mummy. Now, I'm pissed.

My sponsor thought that it would be good for me to do this... - Ah, good to see that you still can't think on your own. Nice to hear it. I hope your liver got destroyed before you came to this realization, you prick.

Your Friend, S.L. - Wow, I suppose all the crack you smoked before I picked your sorry ass up off the sidewalk and took care of you must really have destroyed your brain, yes?

And so, as you can see...I'm really handling this with a mature attitude.

My main goal was to share the freak show (the horror...) that fell into my lap as of yesterday, and try to perhaps shed some light (through catharsis) on why this arrogant, self-serving, righteous idiot would try to pull something out of Flatliners on me.

Gee, I feel better.