Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The road to hell is....a bicycle path.

So I no sooner stepped out of a doctor's office in the outer boroughs today when I started being pursued by, and subsequently sexually harrassed by, a dude on a bicycle.

Now, by right, I probably should have been flattered by this attention, seeing as the guy was a good 10 years younger than myself and pretty cute, and I was wearing no makeup and dressed like a which condition, in case I'd actually need to tell you, I basically look like your average run-of-the-mill worn out old hag. However, I was not flattered, merely pissed off as all fuck. And why? Simple. I do not like cyclists.

Yes, all in all, people who ride bikes annoy the bloody bloomin' fuck out of me. The ones in Central Park piss me off, all those stupid, out-of-shape yuppie scumbags with their flabulous cubicle-butts stuffed into spandex shorts and those ridiculous-looking helmets jammed onto their big empty heads, like a murderous swarm of short-bus escapees. I dislike bike messengers as well, not only their flagrant disregard for traffic signals and pedestrian crosswalks, but also their unseen managers for being too fucking cheap to hire people with cars to do their bidding. But most of all, I hate recreational cyclists who insist on riding their bikes on the motherfucking sidewalk, their front wheel a half a goddamn inch from my ass. I do not care if it's good exercise, I do not care if it's fun, and I could care less about the fact that you cannot afford a car or a garage in which to store your car. You are a grownup, not a 12-year-old kid, and this is New York, not some open field in Bumfuck, Idaho. You haven't got the finances for a car, can't be bothered with public transport, and want cheap exercise? Walk, you bloody ingrate! Hell, if you insist on travelling by sidewalk, not only is walking free of charge and good cardiovascular exercise, you might actually be able to get where you're going faster since it's easier to weave your way through a crowd when you haven't got a gigantic metal thing attached to your ass. Finally, choosing to get from point A to point B a pied as opposed to on your stupid bicycle not only cuts down your chances of being sued, but also drastically reduces your risk of being bludgeoned to death by a pissy, overtaxed redhead.

So needless to say our friend on the bike did not get a sample of this ass. Instead, he got the cap of my water bottle tossed nonchalantly into his front wheel. No, he didn't fall over, but he got the message....


Blogger Billychic said...

That's awesome! (That you tossed your water bottle at him)

I hate messenger bikers. They are such asswipes. You're right, they don't follow any traffic rules, so when you walk across the street, thinking you've got the light, you still almost get plowed into.

One thing that bikers do that really pisses me off is bring their damn bikes on the train. I swear to god - that really burns my fat ass. Burns it!

It's bad enough I've got people's elbows jammed in my sides and fuckers stepping on my toes; now I've got a bicycle handle wedged into the crack of my ass.

I say, if they're going to bring their bike on the train, charge them double, because they're taking up at least two people's worth of space.

I also get annoyed by skateboarders - and I am a skateboarder. I like to do a little in the park for fun, but to the people who skate on the sidewalks and almost mow me down? They should be tied to a skateboarding ramp and run over by teenagers.

12:38 PM  

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