Saturday, June 17, 2006

Ramblings of Ringworm Girl

Ringworm girl. I really am a "Ringworm Woman", but I look like a girl and definitely have a mental giggle (MOL) at the idea of me being a woman. That's weird, which totally belies the fact of how violently *normal* I am.
OK now that I'm done not making sense, here's my point. I look young. I do not feel even as young as I am. Ready for some bitching? Want some whine with this cheese?

I feel like a decrepit and worn out old woman, and if this is 36, what's next? PMS, PMS related migraine, heartburn, arthritis. These were not things I had a decade ago. Getting older is very disenheartening. I am a big puddle of wet and fungus ridden discontent.

Moving right along, I would like to talk about the World Cup. What it means to me. Absolutely nothing. Sorry. It means my ex boyfriend Joe watches it Saturday in Long Island and then gets into Manhattan much later to see me. It also means I wait to eat until he arrives, and then the acids in my evil and vindictive stomach start to wait, and begin to simmer.

So, yay, World Cup! Arguably the coolest soccer thing ever. I think? My ex boyfriend is walking around with a World Cup shirt on. He looks like a demented squirrel on crack sometimes. What times? When I tried to put a little 'cover your gray' brush on temporary hair color in his ponytail.

"I have to take a bunch of retarded people swimming in a pool!" he screeched, flailing wildly. "What did you just put in my hair? Hair dye? Oh and it wasn't funny when you painted my toenails pink when I was sleeping either!"

His face was wildly distorterd and I thought,"Demented squirrel on crack!" Why did I have the brush on hair color that distressed weasel nose so much?

Because my two silver hairs obviously bred and gave birth to a whole litter of silver hairs all over my very dark brown head. I'm a damned silver fox. I'm gray haired, have holes burned in my stomach, and have every PMS symptom that exists.

Except for well, let's see- there's bloating, headaches, food cravings, abdominal cramps, headaches, tension, breast tenderness, and joint pain. Eh, no. Unless there are some other ones on another list, like wanting to be a man. Oh, wait, I think I would do that. Maybe then I'd have more to say on the World Cup.

So the point of this post is:

yeah. Sums it right on up.


Blogger Billychic said...

Oh my god...I think you summed up my state of affairs. I swear to God I thought I was having an ulcer last week. I still think something's wrong, but it's probably just stress...

My gray hairs are also growing exponentially; whereas I used to dye my hair for fun, I now dye it because I have to - how the hell did that happen?

I was out dancing the other night with Rosie - I had to sit out 3/4 of the time. Why, you might ask? Because I pulled something after getting up for five minutes as she and I tried to stumble on the floor with this drunken freak who looked like Jeff Bridges from The Big Lebowski. I never used to pull my back out dancing. And then, when I got home? I realized I had a pulled calf muscle that is still causing me to limp.

We are such pitiful creatures, are we not?

8:09 AM  
Blogger Billychic said...

Oh, and I think your ex with painted toenails and haircolor against his knowledge/will is very, very funny.


8:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i used to dye my hair for fun too. now that i *have* to, i don't want to because it's not fun, and it gives me hives.

my hair cutter actually tracks me down online to talk about it.

ETrue [12:51 P.M.]: did you get my message about doing your hair? i want to color and highlight it for a class.
EverSammie [12:52 P.M.]: yes, i did. i mentioned it to debbie that woman because i dont know when i want to color my hair, if at all.
EverSammie [12:52 P.M.]: i'm upset because i'm growing it and
it's so much more white hair i want to cut my hair off
ETrue [12:52 P.M.]: Please let me color it auburnish with cinnamon tones? I really want to fix your roots. I can even use henna, or buffer the solution so you don't get irritated. I also want to cut your hair into a layered bob if you want to cut it off.

LOL, where was this guy when I used to WANT to dye my hair?

1:46 PM  

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