Monday, March 10, 2008

I Wish I'd Never Been Born

Well, been a while. This is the first time I'm going to be back writing in months. Short, sweet, and to the point...I wish I had never been born.

I mean, what the fv/k, who the hell am I and what am I doing here? I'm a stress case post-teen stuck in Liminality with no education and an identity crisis. Nice.

BUT...

I do have a Nintendo DS that I link-play with random little kids I see in public (cuz you know how they have that WiFi option that let's you wirelessly link to any console within 400 square yards of you, pretty cool actually). I read graphic novels for adults as some sort of twisted oxymoron of being a kid and an adult, or maybe just being an adult and wishing I were a kid again, or wishing I could still be considered a kid. I think the worse thing I do though is pick out older men in my life who embody my idealized version of mentors and hero's and follow them, idolize them, make myself and my upbringing their responsibility so that they can take the place of a father I never had. That job announcement's been open since I was a...kid. Still accepting applications.

My "father" is like 61 years old and Albanian and grew up in a concentration camp somewhere in Kosovo. He never had a father, "so he doesn't know how to be a father," at least according to my mom, and I'm supposed to feel bad and give the poor guy a break for trying to at least raise his family.

Well dammit apparently his idea of "raising" a family is raising his voice and the back of his hand. That sonofamother doesn't flush the toilet, and then when the hallway bathroom is hopelessly clogged he won't let his kids use his bathroom. We have to hold it until mom comes home. I held it all night once. He used to smack me across the face so hard I'd go to school with red marks until my mom threatened to call child services on him.

And life is worth living right?

My dad doesn't know how to be a father, so why the hell did he have kids? What the hell am I doing here? Why the hell would he be so selfish as to bring a child into the world just because he felt like it. Or wait, no, someone told him to. Apparently you're not a real man or a real woman unless you have children and you're selfish if you don't.

Well I'll be damned, that sounds like getting a puppy for Christmas and it's the old toy by New Years. Why the hell do people even have kids anyway? I mean don't they know that life is FUBAR so bad that it should be illegal to wish a full life span on their worse enemy? Much less a child?

I wish I had a father, seriously. I wish I had a hero to look up to and model myself after so that I don't have to go around looking for role models in older men. Now I'm probably gonna go play my PS3 or something, trying to grow up through fantasy hero's on TV.

5 Comments:

Blogger The Insane Writer said...

I know the feeling at times. My dad doesn't know how to be a dad either. I'm usually ignored unless it has something to do with the grandkids or he NEEDS something.

11:34 AM  
Blogger TJ said...

Reading your entry made me feel extremely sad. I do understand your feelings. I have often watched others and wondered just what was their motive for children. My parents are good parents, not the best but their best.I beleive in accountability...and that we are all in this togther to learn from one another. Poor parenting just makes it damn hard for some to do their part.
Does your dad have an excuse?
Maybe a little but he should want to be better and if he can't feel that then the rest is all his loss.
His and his alone...you will go forth and make this planet a better place..WITH OR WITHOUT HIM.
Pick out his best and don't drag the rest around with you for the rest of your life...

8:26 AM  
Blogger Billychic said...

Thank you so much for writing this piece. I have been having a lot of feelings about my family as of late, and although I cannot compare my life to yours in any way, I think that we all have our own unique experiences with family that somehow have an underlying symbiotic experience to a certain degree...I dunno...probably talking out of my butt, as usual.

I do thank you for sharing and being a part of this site. Your piece made me think...and will no doubt inspire me to do some writing of my own.

xo
d

9:34 PM  
Blogger J Morgetron said...

I'm glad you were born because had you not been, you would not be able to help others who have been born into situations similar to yours.

And you would not be able to bring joy to the little kids you play DS with in the park.

It'll be okay. There's lots a poopy dads out there ... But once you're an adult you can stew in it, or you can make a better life for yourself and maybe even your own kids someday.

Many people have kids for the right reasons, but one thing is for sure ... we are all here for a reason as cliched as that sounds.

7:53 PM  
Blogger Scorpaen said...

i am 33 have no kids and never will by choice. i hope i shoot blanks. lol

7:14 AM  

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