Monday, May 12, 2008

Why Are Shitty Lovers Nice People?

It seems that that title wouldn't make sense: if someone is a shitty lover that usually means that they don't care about the person they're with - and therefore that makes them...well, it makes them a jerk, right?

In most cases, yes. However, I think the person that I have been sleeping with lately is an exception to the rule.

He is really, really nice; he is concerned for my health and welfare; he tries to help me through my issues with addiction, etc; he encourages my art. In terms of looks and physicality, he's extremely attractive and is well endowed (not gigantic, because that would terrify me, but he's not lacking in that area). Once the clothes come off, he stays hard as a rock and has plenty of stamina; he sticks around to (try) to get the job done (or what he thinks is getting the job done).

However, get the guy in bed, and you find out that:
1) He does not like to go down on women. The only time he ever has so far is if I actually force my crotch into his mouth. I'm not sure if this is his idea of a good time, but I'm not well-versed in Klingon foreplay and I would much rather be ravished that have to orally rape my lover.
2) I have to always be on top. Always. Some women may like that, and I do admit that I enjoy being on top at least 50% of the time...but I really would like to try other styles - and good old fashioned missionary is still right up there in my top three positions. This guy is so lazy (well, he's also overweight, so that might have something to do with it) that inevitably he waits for me to climb on before we can get anything going on. I feel like I'm getting on a kiddie ride and am wondering if I'm tall enough to ride on this ride. Part of the problem is that his enormous stomach (he is an ex-football player, so he has broad shoulders that make him look more stocky and burly than just a big fat-ass) is in the way, so if he tries to take me on the bottom I am nearly crushed to death. Literally. One time we tried it and I had to fake an orgasm just to get him off of me. Another problem stemming from this is that he gets winded.

I'm afraid he's going to have a heart attack during sex like one of the opening scenes of Private Benjamin.

3) He really hasn't a clue about foreplay. In fact, if it wasn't for a little groping and a quick kiss, I would think he was asking for me to pass the salt or something or the remote for the tv instead of his quirky signals that are supposed to suggest to me that he wants to get busy.

4) Going back to number ONE: he loves it when I go down on him, but will then immediately get me to climb on top to finish the deal or else just keep blowing him (all the while begging me to stop so we can have sex, although he won't let go of my head). Never, ever, ever, any reciprocation.

This is a guy that I have started to really care about...but am I an idiot if he's wonderful in every other way but in bed and I want to stop seeing him? Inevitably, I get off, but I could on my own with a few batteries and an Adam & Eve Catalog. He's been there for me more than any other guy I've ever been with in my life...but I really think that if we stay together I will have to find another lover on the side...and I don't want to hurt him like that.

I've tried talking to him about it - and he said he would make an effort to try harder. He has started some actual foreplay now...but he still doesn't go down on me...and he won't offer an explanation.

Why do I get stuck with these...oy. I can't even finish the sentence. Anyone?


Anonymous spiritlights said...

Just play hard to get till he has no choice, or make him watch you pleasure yourself. If he asks to join tell him it is your time to be pleasured and he is welcome to help but all of the work is to be done on you.

3:25 PM  
Blogger just a girl... said...

its official I am adding you to my roll

1:12 PM  
Blogger Jezebel said...

I think saying "oy" was enough!!

I hate to take the pessimistic stance here but no amount of caring for this guy will leave you happy and satisfied if he doesn't reciprocate or try new things. It's great that you can be open and talk freely about sex but talk is cheap if nothing is done about it.

My only suggestion would be next time you're going down on him and he tells you to get on top, turn over, wag your ass in the air and tell him to come and get it or sit on top of the dresser drawer with your legs spread and tell him if he doesn't come over there, it's not happening! My feeling is, once he tries new positions he may not have tried before, things could get better.

As for his fear of oral sounds to me like a bad experience. Maybe he wound up with a mouthful of hair or something nasty crawled out of her snatch??! Or maybe he's never given it and just doesn't want to admit it? I was with a guy once, I won't mention his age because you'll laugh, who had only gone down on two gals in his lifetime. He went down on me and I made him stop within two seconds! He performed like a dog lapping up water! It was kinda' traumatizing, lol.

5:56 AM  
Blogger Billychic said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's also a wake-up call to me, sweetheart - I'm going through almost the exact same situation, and it's killing me. I honestly think I'm going to go out of my mind.

I think the advice given by the ladies above is sound and valid (and thanks to Jezebel, at least we can giggle a little at the horror that has become our sex lives).

I do know that somewhere a line has to be drawn in the sand. No matter how much you love the guy. I'm coming to terms with this with my dude. I've been married twice, and thought that with this guy there was something different, and that one good thing was that I was older now and wasn't rushing into any marriages, was going to take my time and really get to know the person...and what you find can sometimes be so sad. Like when the person is a wonderful guy but a lousy lover.

I know that I have many years of good sex ahead of me - and although you're a little older than me, you have a whole bunch too. Sex is important...and if someone has a conscience and doesn't want to go the infidelity route (be it in any kind of relationship where fidelity is the given scenario), then the only alternative might be to get out. Get out before you do something that you regret...which might be the only way you get off other than a lovely vibrator (which has become my main source of sexual pleasure even though I'm in a relationship. How sad.)

Get out and know that you can find someone else who is a good person who WILL give you good sex.

Now...if only I can take my own advice (sorry I'm writing so much in here, but I can't post this because he is such a nice guy, he sometimes reads my blogs to see my writing. What a nice guy. Sigh.)

5:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sex can be worked on, and it's a lot easier to shed some pounds than to shed selfishness, self destruction, or any of the other bad things you might find in persuit of better sex. It all comes down to a choice of what matters more to you; a best friend life partner for down the road when it's raining and pouring, or you can have the exciting male toy... or you can try for a hybrid of the two, but then why doesn't every woman have at least a few of these new hybrid models? Imagine having only one set of clothes and it has to be winter ones to drag around all year when it's hot or summer ones that are light and airy but you die in the winter. Youth is the summer but the winter is coming and the fat guy might make up for his shortCUMmings when he saves you. Some people are sure they can change clothes later on and still find a warm coat. If so, good luck to you.

12:47 AM  
Blogger Billychic said...

RE: Anonymous -

I am the moderator and had to read this first before posting it, and I'm still confused. We appreciate you reading and posting a comment, and it appears well-thought out. However, I don't quite understand...are you suggesting that she stay in the relationship even though the lover in question apparently does not care at all for her sexual needs even though he's kind to her in other ways? The latter part of your post suggests something else, but I'm not sure what. That she get other lovers? You seem to be saying a few different things here.

All I can say is this: no matter how kind someone can be, if they are very happy to receive pleasure but not willing to give it, then it is rather logical to assume that they aren't as kind as one might assume...for lovemaking between two lovers is a loving act, and when you deny your partner the right to pleasure but are perfectly willing to receive it, there is some serious selfishness there that is apparent.

Anyway, I am confused by your eloquently written post, so perhaps you can come back and explain.

~ Billychic

8:38 AM  

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