Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Sexually Speaking, You Are On Zee Air!

Man, I used to listen to Dr. Ruth when I could...her little voice would crack me up and I was always so amazed at how this little old lady could sit back and talk about sex like it was a cake recipe and all you needed to do was add the butter. I don't know what made me think of her this morning (because I know my online friends on this blog are mostly just waking up except for maybe Kat, since she's out here now) except for the problem that I'm having...I have no sex drive. None. At all. All desire to be with anyone went out the window. My mother attributes it to the fact that I am always busy at the library; I have taken to staying there even when I am not on duty. I don't want to go home. I think I must be depressed, since being alone watching TV or reading makes me feel like a social misfit as of late.

I went to two different clubs this past month, one of them at least three or four times, where some of my old lovers frequent for drinks, and I often have to remind friends that I don't ski anymore...funny how they have the ability to remember if you owe them money or if you said you would get them tickets backstage to a certain performer, but you tell them that you don't do drugs anymore (or, at least, the hard ones) and they act as if its a revelation.

Last night:

Cory scoots into the booth with me and a few people we know, her tank top low and the Queen of Hearts tattoo on her shoulder looking ghostly and trippy in the lighting of the bar. I can smell bourbon on her breath and peppermint gum as she crams in closer to me, allowing room for at least five more people into the booth which is really meant for only four. I feel her hand between my thighs, and I look at her with a question, to which she only smiles and turns her head to talk to our friend Zack. Her ears are pierced in several places and she is 12 years younger than me. Her hand, and what it starts to do, would normally be enough to get me excited and eager to pull her with me out of the bar and back to my apartment...but I feel nothing tonight. I have a beer and gently run my hand across her back and rub her shoulder, in a spot I know she often has pain. I feel bad, if she is intending for us to hook up later, but I just want to hang out tonight with everyone so I don't have to be alone.

But I want to go home alone. I won't be into it if we leave together, and although I'd be happy to please her, my mind will be on a vacation. I want company, not sex, and she only wants sex. So...therein lies our problem.

After a while, she removes her hand playfully, and gets up to put quarters in the jukebox. Somebody has been playing Michael Jackson for over an hour, and she announces she will add to the Motown groove. We all say cheers to Pride, cheers to Michael Jackson, cheers to Farrah...She grabs my hand and drags me to the player, and asks what she should play. I give a few suggestions, and kiss her forehead, and tell her I am going home, pleading an early day today. She looks a bit hurt, and I tell her that I have not been well lately...but run my hand over her ass and let her know that she is lovely. She is, but sex is too much effort for me right now.

Then, I leave.

I try yoga, my body betraying me in ways that I had not foreseen; how does one truly foresee getting older? We all think we're 25 when we're approaching 50. I cry, quietly, wondering why my body is devoid of feeling when my heart is not, why I turned down a lovely woman yet again (and two lovely men during the month) when I could have had them, and sob. Then, after a while, I smile at the thought that I only had one beer at the bar. At least I am in control of some things now in my life.

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