Tuesday, December 26, 2006

So what if Christmas is technically over?

This is a repost of something I wrote back during the Christmas season of '02. That was not a good year for me. Neither, frankly, was this....which explains why (a) I didn't write, like, an update or anything, and (b) I didn't even post this till after the first half hour of December 26. Deal with it. And keep these things in mind, please. Most of em really aren't seasonally-specific.

Things you absolutely will and will not be doing in my presence this holiday season if you value your life and/or the remainder of your 32 pearly whites at all....

1. You will not touch me.....and I mean so much as lay one solitary finger on me, particularly not in a crowd setting. It goes like this....you push me, I knock you to the ground and kick the shit out of you. It's not really that hard a concept to grasp.

2. You will not touch anything belonging to me, either, whether it be my car, my coat, my trolley, or my child. Such an action will result in the loss of at least one finger.

3. You will have the common sense not to give me any sort of poisonous junk food as a present.

4. You will also have the common sense to realise that the above rule also applies to presents you buy for my kid.

5. You will not ring your bell in my face and demand I give you my 'spare' change to 'help the poor'. God helps those who help themselves. You and the fucking poor can go out and get a job for yourselves like the rest of us. I hear Duane Reade is hiring.

6. You will, however, take your bell and stick it where the sun don't shine upon request from yours truly.

7. You will not expect me to accompany you to any Christmas party where they're not planning on serving anything but fried bananas and $3 rum.

8. You will not wax poetic about the holiday season being a time for family togetherness. You should know by now my opinion on all this forced family togetherness. It exists purely for the benefit of people so offensive that if not for their family's 'obligatory' tolerance of them on special occasions, nobody would ever be bothered with them.

9. You will like my holiday decor, and you will bloody well tell me how much you like it.....the more often the better.

10. If you suck at judging sizes, you will not guess I wear a size 12. I realise I'm not as impossibly tiny as I once was, but a 'mistake' like this will cost you big time. Just ask the stolen coat peddler down by City Hall who ended up picking his wares out of a gutter after his lousy eyesight prompted him to assume in such a manner.

11. You will take your fat ass and your 50 jillion packages out of the middle of 5th Avenue and you will let me pass. You will also refrain from talking on your cell phone as you saunter down the middle of 5th Avenue with your 50 jillion packages. You will not ram into me, make me walk around you, or force me to listen to your vapid conversation or else I will be forced to fire you and all your belongings in front of the next bus that passes by.

12. You will not lecture me on 'keeping the Christ in Christmas'. No, I don't believe in any of this religious rot, and yes I'm probably going to burn in Hell forever and ever and ever because of it. But that doesn't make your argument any less pointless, groundless, or fucking stupid, or for that matter any more likely to convert me, so you might as well save your hot air for your parish buddies and leave me the hell alone.

If all of these rules are respected over these next few weeks, I don't see how there would be any problems at all.

Merry Christmas, all!


Yes. And god bless us every one. :)


Anonymous thordora said...

I always size-the smaller the size you guess, the less pissed off I'll be.

Can we add" Just because you put a bow on the grill does not mean you have the right to try and run me over at the intersection"


12:01 PM  

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