Sunday, October 19, 2008

Moving Up and Onward...and the Setbacks.

Artwork by Augie Pagan

It's so hard to examine oneself when you :

1) Think you're kind of a mental fuckup even though you think you're relatively okay compared to some of the whack jobs out there
2) Think you're being stupid for getting upset when you come across photos of your ex...two months after you've broken up (granted, from the night we broke up, and right next to pics of my cat Nina who passed right afterwards)
3) Feel one day like you're doing FINE and the next, well, today I guess, like you are not FINE and wondering how the FUCK did that happen?
4) You are very different than you used to be in post-breakup mode; an almost asexuality has descended up on me like a wet blanket.

I think, since my descent into and subsequent emergence out of the nether regions of my mind a couple of weeks ago that brought with it panic attacks, intense depression, and a feeling that I would never again be okay, I have started really to get so much better. I have had all this great stuff happen for me: the article about my being an acting teacher and my philosophy in the New York Examiner, my being added as a staff writer for TheFabMarquee.com, and the putting together of the fundraiser, readings, and all those things that come with trying to stay busy and being successful at it - on top of taking on more work from my day job so I stay late - and it has really helped.

But all that is questioned when you can get thrown off balance just by accidently coming across photos of yourself with your ex on the night you broke up, that you had forgotten about, wedged next to pics of your dead kitty. I find myself hoping sleep will come quickly and I can get off this train to self-pity and mourning.

Mourning for what? My cat, yes; she was my baby girl. I will be having a new cat come by for a visit that I found on petfinder.com - her name is Rain and she's a tortie-maine coone mix, about 2.5 years old. Since I'm running a geriatric center over here for animals, I need to get some young ones or else when they all start to kick the bucket I'll have to be locked up. But mourning for my relationship? Still?

I'm not used to this. I'm older now...and I'm amazed that it takes so much longer...even though months ago I knew that this man and I were destined to only be friends, that we just wouldn't be able to make it work, although I desperately wanted to because he was only one of three people since my ex husband and I parted ways that had been a kind, loving person who didn't just want me for a piece of ass.

Getting over and getting beyond...it seems to come only in spurts. What do I have to do, lock myself in a room and avoid all audio/visual stimulation in case Brad finds his way into it?

We talked on the phone for the first time in a week today; second time in two weeks, as per my prompting that I just couldn't talk to him and recover. But we spoke like 10-15 times and at one point, it was like we were having conversations that we used to have: how to help him pick out a printer...things like that.

It really was okay until I saw those pictures. Then my mind went into a gridlock.

Artwork by Clint Scism
I know eventually I will be okay, but want that to be now, because I have to be around this guy a lot over the next few days and suddenly I just want to stay at home and not go anywhere, not be anywhere near him, for I am afraid that I will cry. And the strange thing is, is that if he suddenly said to me, "Dianna, everything was a big mistake, we should try another chance," I know that it wouldn't be worth it because it wouldn't work. He can't give me what I want...and I can't do the same. We can give love and friendship and loyalty...but sometimes that isn't enough.

And I want to know, when those things aren't even enough...what is everything worth anymore? Just sex? Just pet dander and allergies?

I have to now spend the rest of my evening trying to forget these past two hours...and try to move on. I have a man in my life who adores me and I adore him, but I can't be intimate with him because I have this fucking block. It's not fair.

I just want to move on like Brad has.

Couple of things I want to just say, for the record:
1) I'm so sorry that my first time at a Yankee Game in old Yankee Stadium was with him. On the night we broke up. I am forever disgusted by that and will try to really think of the next time I go to a game as the "real" time.
2) I'm so sorry that my first cruise was with someone who I was broken up with two months later. And that during that cruise my hopes for our relationship were suddenly increased to the point that I thought it was actually going to work...only for it to come crashing down.
3) I'm almost sorry I met him...and then have to say no...THAT was worth it. For it was. I just wish that so many firsts for me were not with him - for I really don't think he was worthy of being "my first" of anything...since he never gave enough of himself to me like I gave to him. He tried...but his giving of himself and my giving of me are like night and day.

Sigh. Sorry to bore...but I'm sad and angry at my being sad. That's what sucks...when you can't even cut yourself a break.

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5 Comments:

Anonymous Kat said...

I'm always amazed that it takes us more time to recover from falling in love than we actually spent being in love. Breaking up sucks! No graceful way around it. But I hope, soon, that you'll have more good days than bad. Take care.

4:39 PM  
Blogger derfina said...

I'm sorry you're hurting. We spend so much of our time, energy and spirit digging these holes in our hearts that when it comes time to fill them back in, there is just not enough stuff left to fill them up all the way. And you can't just tamp down new dirt on them. They have to build up scar tissue, and that simply takes time. It'll happen, and it will sneak up on you when you least expect it, and you'll suddenly realize that Hey-I'M BACK! It sounds like you're getting there!

2:42 PM  
Blogger Pand0ra Wilde said...

I think a large portion is trust issues.

When we're young, trust is easily given and gotten--and betrayed. As we get older, we have a longer list of times we've trusted and gotten kicked in the teeth for it, so we're leery of it happening once again.

But if we don't trust, we're alone--we can't let someone new in because we're more stingy with our trust even if the person we're looking at seems more than worthy of our trust. So we put ourselves out again, hoping this time our trust is given to one who deserves it and returned in kind.

Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not. If it's not and it's abused again, another incident we consider a dumbassed use of our trust goes on the list, making it longer and making us less inclined to trust again.

I'm going thru trusting someone again--the same person I've been dating for two years. We didn't break up but something happened that got added to my "bad use of trust" list, and it's like I'm dating someone new all over again at times. But it was either that or lose him/end the relationship, however you want to look at it.

I still don't know if we're staying together--I'm not sure I want to and I'm not able to trust him to stay with me either. But either I try to trust him or I've wasted two years--so I'm trying to salvage the relationship.

What we do with our trust depends on how able we are to extend it to another person--we can't force ourselves to hand it out blindly anymore, not like we used to, and it's a good thing in a way--we've learned a lot since those first few loves, but while each has left a warm spot, they've also left a scar.

I hope for the best for you and I guess the only advice I can offer (and the point to all this babbling) is that you won't be ready to trust again until you're ready--it's not something you can force or pretend to do and you can't predict when you'll be able to do it again or who you'll be able to trust when the time comes.

You're not required to trust anyone--it's something you choose to do, and I hope the next time works a lot better than the last.

Hugs,
Pan

8:47 PM  
Blogger Metabolic Karma said...

Sweetheart, it will get better, just like these cool gals said. Wish I was there to give you a hug.

Try to give yerself some slack, jack. Okay?

I want to hear about the new kitty cat you got! Post the email you sent me (well, the pic in it) or take a new pic. That'll make you feel better.

*hugs*

1:22 PM  
Blogger Billychic said...

Thank you, Ladies...I just re-read this and realized I'm still dealing with this stuff...and it's always nice to read/listen to other folks who are wise and have also been there.

xo
me

7:28 AM  

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