Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Anxiety Ridden Rides Again

It's quite late, but I cannot move. My feisty little kitten (not so little anymore) has taken up residence on my lap, or rather sprawled across my body kneading me in various places. I must stay until the princess deems me unworthy. Oh insanity, she just bolted after thirty minutes of my legs going numb, when I finally committed to the fact I wasn't going to bed just yet.

I will still write a little. I wanted to say that life scares me. What else is new? My life in particular, and also life and the world at large around me. I might fare better at this life thing if I had none of the things awry with me that I do have, but I don't know.

So last summer I had been doing better with my agoraphobia and anxiety disorder. I stayed a night in Long Island and shortly after took a cruise. I survived intact.

When I returned I had all types of cat problems and while some dolts I knew didn't understand how that could be stressful, oh was it ever. My first and beloved cat Samantha died which I didn't see coming at first. I took her for a routine exam and was slightly concerned she seemed thin, but thought I was paranoid. For months I was led to believe she had a kidney infection that would go away, and her kidneys would rebound.

After my vacation I came back hoping she'd be fine and I'd go out of town again, which was really great for me. My first time out of NY in over three years.

I came back and my vet suggested stronger antibiotics by injection and my cat reacted by developing big sores. He said it wasn't a reaction, but what I read online convinced me otherwise. I took her elsewhere and the new vet did tests and found she was in acute renal failure and not long for this world.

She died not long after. Then ringworm kitten came in to play. My mother and her husband sent her to NY by plane to help me cheer up. It was a nice gesture, but next thing I have ringworm myself. Sigh. Then my second oldest cat is suddenly dying and no idea what's wrong. I plan to meet my friend Rosie at a show and it seems my cat is having a seizure. By the next day she is in an emergency hospital severely ill.
This set me back all in all several thousand dollars.

I had taken her to the vet the day before who had said nothing was wrong with her! The same vet I liked when my other cat was so ill. Now she told me my cat's fine, but she is anything but. I felt my cat needed appetite stimulants and she disagreed. The cat went into the hospital and they told me various things were/may be wrong, even a stomach obstruction. They wanted to do surgery because they saw something, and I consented. The day of the surgery they saw nothing in the X-ray and sonogram but proceeded anyway.

Many so called friends and my family gave me hell for 'throwing away' my money on cats. I didn't hear the end of it, and it made me sad. Someone I knew wrote me a long e-mail about how I must have never endured a 'real' loss to be this distressed over cats. It's sometimes hard for me to accept that what I think is a given (valuing life regardless of what form it is in) is not for everyone. I don't enforce how I feel on others, so when they do it to me I wish one of my cats (crazy Jasmine) could stick her foot where there's.... a lack of sunlight... and have an underpants party with her paw. My mother came around at least, and understood I was not going to let anything bad happen to one of my kitty friends if I could help it. I could not save my Sam girl and that really saddens me. She looked to me to make it better, and I inflicted painful injections on her that just made her worse. Sadly, she only let me administer those shots, anyone else and she'd get violent. I was scared to do it, but when I realized I had to I did. For what purpose though?

So my other cat Jasi is better now finally, and I think I just needed appetite stimulants. She became depressed after her cat best friend passed away. The hospital ended up sending her home with... appetite stimulants. They said she had pancreatitis and hepatitis but when my vet saw the records later he said no. All I know is for months she would only eat wet food from a spoon or nothing at all. I am elated that she's still with me, I love her so very much.

I got into the habit of being afraid to leave her alone and of staying home nearly at all times. Not a good thing for someone who needs to force themselves out as often as can be achieved.

Before I knew it I was having anxiety attacks outside as bad as any I had when this all started in 2003. Even now I am worse off than I had been in 2004 when I was pulliung myself together.

Then the cat drama ended. I just needed ringworm kitten spayed. She couldn't be because of her ringworm. I had it done in Long Island at the vet my other cats all went to. I feel it was better quality and at less than half the cost of these sub par vets I'd seen in Manhattan.

So the day after her stitches were out I finally felt I could leave for a day. For about a week I had tried to go outside every day and went to two movies in two days, to two clubs. Things I truly dread most often.

So the other cat was eating fine, the kitten was healed and I finally left and spent a night at my friend's in Long Island. I had a wonderful time.

I was so happy to be there that I wanted to never go back. When I got back I decided that if I had to be in NYC I should not work solely from home. So I found myself at an interview for a job as part of a creative team for a TV special.

I was so nervous that I had to bring a friend to the interview. I stood outside the elevator for ten minutes before opting to get inside of it. I felt if I 'just did the interview' it was a step.

I had been told I could do the majority of the work at home, and was told suddenly that I had to come in every day. I agreed wholeheartedly in the moment. (I am not ready for a fulltime outside job, and may never choose to do that.)

So I went today. I should feel proud of myself for going, and forcing myself. I have to say I truly was not happy. I saw no point in not being home and doing what I was doing so I up and left. I was scared when I saw the guy I have to answer to had emailed me, but he had just emailed me asking questions regarding the show.

I wrote the person that scheduled me and requested that I work from home tomorrow. I spent hours working on what I was assigned, and sent it in to show I want to do the work. Just not at their office.

I left my desk and bolted to the elevator. There are seriously no stairs. When it passed my floor I started to get that feeling of panic. I thought I'd be trapped there trying to slink out, indefinitely.

I thought I would love it there, the way I loved my trip to LI after fearing leaving home. I did not. So, I don't know. I'm trying? I took some back steps but I really want to get past this as much as I possibly can. I know I will always have my problem (s) but I'd like to be able to maybe realize my goals. You know, shit like that. Or, shit like being able to you know, go outside!


Blogger NYCbeauty said...

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. You've identified your issues, and are doing what you can to try and overcome....that's all we can ask of ourselves. As for cat drama: my big guy died in January and I almost died with him. Last night his littermate got out for 6 hours and I nearly had a heart attack. So many people can empathize with your saddness over pet illness. Do not let anyone tell you it's not really a loss.....

10:25 AM  

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