I'm a Horrible Auntie...Macy's Has My Money.

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This coming weekend is my niece's birthday. She is perhaps one of the cutest kids ever to grace the planet - and no, I'm not saying that because I'm biased; she's a good-natured little girl, and you can see that even at the age of 2, she's going to take the world by storm - and she's going to do it with a smile. She looks like a little elf, for chrissake.

So, being Auntie D, I want to get her something groovy. I've been labeled "The Bookmaster" by my youngest nephew, which I think is baddass. He high-fives me and he and his brothers finally hit the age where reading was cool, so the fact that I always showed up with tons of books made it all okay. I want to give Julia (the little niece) books too, but I want to hook her up with some girlie-girl stuff too.

I am totally broke right now, but I did have (notice, please, the past tense used there) $100 on a Macy's charge card that I thought Oh JOY! I can just use that and score the kid something nifty at the Miracle on 34th Street!

Well, after I go to a doctor, I head over to Macy's with the card burning a hole in my wallet. I avoid the cosmetic counter (always my downfall, although the irony is that I hardly every wear makeup, even though I LOVE shopping for it), I avoid the purses, the shoes; I even avoid the perfume sprayers, knowing that if they suck me into their vortex, I might end up lost, covered in perfume, smelling like a French whore, and short about $300.

I am a determined woman: I am there for my niece. The only thing, though, is that I have to go to the bathroom, which is on the second floor. So, I go. No big deal.

I step out, however, and am suddenly accosted by a huge sign that reads SALE. Under said sign, are hundreds of adorable outfits for the summer. Now we all know that I have been bragging that I've lost 25 pounds (and still counting) and can finally fit into a few things and not feel like Shamu. So, just for fun...I start looking through the racks...

It's like slot machine addiction. "40% OFF!" "65% OFF" Racks upon racks of adorable outfits that three months ago I wouldn't have even thought to try on, I was suddenly curious to see what they would look like...

So, I picked, oh...about 7 items up and went and tried them on. And they all looked totally fucking adorable. I mean - sure, my titty was hanging out of one of them, but isn't that the way it's supposed to look?

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Lemme tell you: my feeling is that if they say that 35 is the new 25, then I'm in my 20's; and I have to work this for as long as I can, because in about ten years if I try to wear some of this I'm going to look like a fool. No - wait, scratch that - Betsey Johnson wears whatever the fuck she wants to, she dresses like a teenager and she's past 60 - so scratch that totally. But anyway, you know what I mean.

So, I come out of the dressing room...realizing that I have not only found things I really want, but also that I can't afford to get them AND get my niece's gifts (which I haven't picked out yet). Hell, I already got her like three book-related items (two of them are WAY fly)...so I'm trying to justify this to myself as I edge closer and closer to the register. I stop. I put half the things back. I pick half up of what I put away. I put them all away. One woman almost picks something up and I nearly bark, "THAT'S MINE." and she slinks away, ready to call security. It's a tense situation.

Dear Reader: what did Auntie D do? I used the $100 on the Macy's card for myself. So, I'm going to have to come up with something else for my niece...which won't be hard. The kid has a larger wardrobe that I do. My brother and his family are relatively well-off, and the kids have more "stuff" than I could ever hope to know what to do with. My other brother told me that they secretly have a closet of gifts that the kids have never even opened...and the kids don't miss them because they have so much.

But my niece...well, she's the apple of my eye. All the kids are, but as I get older, I question whether or not I will be having children of my own, so I want to get her something cool. I will...but I don't think think that at the tender age of 2 she's really going to give a rat's ass - and to tell you the truth, spending a little money on myself to make myself look pretty sure made me feel good...and I could use some Feelgood right about now.

Am I a horrible Auntie? Nah. Maybe just a wee little bit.