Saturday, July 07, 2007

Rejected Hardcore (for being Hardcore)

You know, I know that rejection is all part of the game, I know that 1 in 10 people you ask out are going to say yes, but if you only ask 10 people out...ever...what if that one person says no?

You move on, of course. Don't dwell on it, tons of fish in the sea. We're all a bunch of flopping fish (apperently). Pop culture says there is someone for everyone, sometimes for every two or three. There's six billion people in the world, that's an even number, and even if it isn't, I doubt I'm that poor bastard who got stuck odd-one-out. Or am I?

Okay, so there was this guy. He wasn't tall or thin or sexy or really even that attractive, but he was nice...no, sometimes he wasn't even nice. You know those guys who you can't put your finger on why you want them, but you just want to hold them and be around them. That guy whom you can't stop thinking about what it might be like to kiss him, and then when you find out, it was everything you wanted and more.

I've had one of those guys since high school, and last week I finally made a move. I don't know what to say about it, no boy has ever looked at me the way he did. I really thought we had something, I thought maybe I'd found someone who'd accept me for who I am and look past the baggy clothes and short hair and tomboy attitude. I wasn't a bitch and he knew it, he knew I'd care about him and maybe even love him.

So he doesn't call for a week, doesn't answer my calls. Turns out later he was out of town, aight, I guess that's cool. "So let's go see Transformers," "let's go see Die Hard," "Let's go do SOMETHING?" "Do you even want to talk to me?" ..."Do you just want to pretend like last Thursday never happened?"

"Yes."

OUCH! MOTHER FUCKER after I freaking bared my soul to you, you really "just want to be friends?" And on top of that, you want me to "change and I'll like you." What was all that bullshit about "change is good, why not try growing your hair? You'd look really pretty if you dressed nicer," etc. Wow, well you'd look hot if you lost some weight and cut YOUR damn long hair you sorry ass hipocrite, you look like the guy in Knocked Up. I know I can't hold it against you for not wanting to pursue something together because it is your choice and your free will, but forgive me for being just a little bit emotional, I think I have like a 3 day grace period where I'm allowed to be wrong, and I'm planning on using all my 4 fouls. I know if you didn't care, you wouldn't have explained yourself but...

All you had to say was "no."

You know, I just don't know. I have to admit I knew this would happen. How could any guy want a girl who doesn't dress like a hoe? I mean c'mon the girl in Transformers was supposed to be still in high school, the producers could have at least put some clothes on her. Every girl in Hollywood is either a slut or a criminal, and every little girl in the world wants to be like them. That's why girls are giving blow jobs at 14 at my friend's school, and clothes company's make thong's for little girls.

It's not just that I don't dress girly, it's that I dress boyish. I wear Levi's relaxed fit at 34x34 with medium cotton t-shirts. I go back and fourth between Sketchers and Vans, and I own one pair of convers hi-tops. My favorite shirt is a boy's shirt with a picture of the cartoon character Vampire Hunter D on it. Where am I ever going to find a girl's shirt with Vampire Hunter D on it?! I just like boy's clothes. They're loose and comfortable and allow me to breath, I can do the splits in boys jeans, but I can't even fit my wallet in girls jeans! WHY do girls jeans even have pockets if you can't put anything in them?!?? Why do girls shirts even exist if you can see right through them anyway? On top of all this my hair is 3 inches off my head, it's good for wrestling, no one pulls it.

Okay, maybe I do dress like a guy, I pass regularly. I don't have energy to waste on "strong but still feminine," I'm focused on just being strong. Maybe I'm asking a lot of guys I ask out, but guys don't have to walk around naked just to get attention. I don't want men looking at me in that way, not before they know me, I just want to be comfortable in my own skin, and the way that society wants girls to dress today just doesn't make me comfortable. Don't I have a right to be comfortable? I feel like a sex object, this isn't fair.

If I have to dress skanky and grow my hair just to get the humblest of guys to go out with me, then maybe I really am that odd-one-out. Poor bastard that I've been feeling sorry for may very well be me. I know that a guy wouldn't want to hold my hand in public for fear of people thinking he's gay, but I'd dress nice and girly if we were going out on a date, how much public displays of affection do they really need anyway? I guess it doesn't matter. Guys want women, not part-time women, and I can't even call myself a woman without cringing and thinking of someone like Paris Hilton (god just shoot me). Well when it all comes down to how you're going to be happy, when society doesn't accept you, do you change yourself or change society?

At this point in my life, niether one is easier.

3 Comments:

Blogger Billychic said...

DUDE.
You have a Vampire Hunter D shirt? You are the coolest goddess on the planet. Rock-the-fuck-on.

11:45 PM  
Blogger Nikki_Jilton said...

yup, it's a black shirt with him in really sick detail holding his longsword which is on fire against a red moon. F-in A!

11:49 PM  
Blogger Bitchy Actress said...

Wait - so let me get this straight: this asswipe told you that you needed to look prettier or dress better or grow your hair?

You know, some of these guys blow me away. They are the first to say "hey honey...maybe you should get breast implants or wear a pound of makeup or wear stilettos" - well, I have a fucking suggestion: why don't they get a penis enlargement? Seriously? As if they couldn't add a few inches...if they are going to spend so much time telling US how much improvement WE need, they need to check into reality world and buy a fucking mirror.

You sound awesome the way you are. Being comfortable is just as sexy as walking around with a limp from tight clothes and shoes.

Don't sweat this guy - his loss.

11:55 PM  

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