Twilight...Who's Breaking Dawn Now?

Vampires and Werewolves walking among Humans and fighting amongst one another…didn’t I already see this movie? I thought nothing could beat Underworld and I’m skeptical if anything modern could come close to Van Helsing, but even those two have nothing on Bram Stokers Dracula. It just ain’t gonna happen.

Twilight is a series of books by Stephenie Meyer about a high school romance between a closet-vampire and a girl-next-door. The emotionally-charged writing style and repressed sexual undertones are making this book literally leap off the shelf like, well, a vampire. But far from the Buffy/Angel duo that Y2K kids grew up with and loved, this odd couple isn’t out slaying monsters or saving the world, they’re just trying to go on a date without accidentally killing each other.

Meyer puts her own twist on the pop culture “good vampire.” This book is written by a girl for girls because her monsters do basically nothing that can be misconstrued as monstrous, and when her characters do talk about the “not proud of” stuff, they’re really not proud of it and put on their puppy dog eyes and we have no choice but to forgive them. The “good werewolf” is portrayed as the young guard dog who runs in a pack of would-be police dogs keeping the small town free of vampires, which gets kinda complicated seeing as there’s a family of vampires living on the other side of town. But everyone seems to get along somehow and we get lots of visuals of naked werewolves changing back to their hot-bodied human forms and vampires taking their shirts off to do various normal things. Meyer truly portrays vampires and werewolves as “sexy beasts.”

All in all, this is the best series I’ve read in a while because there are really some lousy series’ out there (*Cough*Eragon*Cough*Harry Potter*Cough*). HOWEVER…

Though the series is written in the first person perspective of a girl, the majority of the main characters are guys. It is a constant annoyance that Meyer obviously lacks any insight into the male mind because she ascribes a montage of blatantly female characteristics to her hyper-masculine male characters. For instance, a line of dialogue in book 3 goes something like:

Jake (werewolf): What’s it like having a Vampire for a boyfriend?

Bella: It’s great.

Jake: I mean, do you kiss him? Do his fangs get in the way?

Okay, whoa! Hold on a minute. Firstly, a guy would NEVER in a million years ask what it’s like to kiss another guy. Our guy friends don’t ask about what it’s like with our boyfriends, even if he’s a vampire, an alien or some creature from the black lagoon, they don’t wanna know.

Secondly, there is a scene where the werewolf kisses the vampire’s girlfriend. She get’s mad and calls her boyfriend. I’m on the edge of my seat thinking “Oh! Oh! There’s gonna be a fight! Oh!” and…

All that happens is they stand across from each other and dog each other and Vampy gives Wolfy a warning of what he’ll do to him next time. OMG! Firstly, in real life, if someone kisses a guy’s girlfriend, that’s an automatic fight! No negotiations! The scene would go that Vampy storms up to Wolfy and knocks-him-the-hell-out! Instead he kinda stood there like a little bitch and they throw catty insults back and forth at each other, while his girlfriend is crying in the car. She should have broken up with him right then and there. Would it have been different if he’d grabbed her boob or something? Man, stand up for your woman, little pussy!

The most ironic thing in this story though, it’s the guy who doesn’t want to have sex. Funny, usually it’s the guy pulling his hair out because the girl “wants to wait,” but I think Meyer got a little confused on who thinks about sex once every 15 seconds. SPEAKING OF WHICH…

The main characters had been playing hopscotch around the issue of sex so much through the first two books that readers were literally banging their heads against the walls waiting for the climactic steamy love scene, when it finally could be avoided no longer in book 3. The scene goes that Bella starts taking off Edward’s shirt (Me: yesss), then Edward gets up angry because he doesn’t want to (Me: noooo), she cries and asks him just to try (Me: yeah yeah yeah try), he says he could lose control and kill her (Me: uggh you gotta be kidding me), she says please and he holds very still while she slides his shirt off his smooth shoulders and marble skin (Me: Thank you this is almost as good as the 007 beach scene), he lays her down on the bed, crawls on top of her and says (Me: gimme some sugar daddy)…

“No.”

WTF!!!!! OMGOMGOMG WHAT THE SH*T! I threw the book across the room and broke up with him right then and there! We need a break in our relationship and I think I need to see other people. I’m sorry but I need someone more giving. You’ve been together for 2 freaking years and you’re both 18, just freaking go nuts already! Okay so maybe you are afraid of going psycho-vampire, biting your girlfriend and either killing her or turning her into one of the legion of the damned. I will seriously get you a ball gage and tie you to the bed, and trust me I’ll bet you’d like it if that’s what it takes.

So far Stephenie Meyer has totally undone a years worth of my post-relationship therapy (thanks to book 2 where he breaks up with her), made me feel like a sex-deprived teenager, and nabbed $20 bucks from my pocket even though I stood in front of the best seller section for an hour and repeated practically out loud “I’m not gonna get it, I’m not gonna buy it. No, it just ain’t gonna happen. I will leave the rest of the story hanging and not care about the ending. Nope, not doing it.” I caved and shelled out $21.50 with tax for the hardcover because the book hadn’t been out for a year yet and still wasn’t available in soft cover (damn me for not saving the receipt).

This series is playing with my emotions, so I got mad and broke up with it and it’s been 2 days since I picked it up again. I’m proud of myself. That’s being assertive, putting my foot down. Now I don’t care that the final book, Breaking Dawn, is coming out August 2 or that the movie is coming out Christmas. I WILL NOT reserve my copy and I WILL NOT buy advance movie screening tickets and I WILL NOT, I repeat, I WILL NOT come back crawling to the Twilight Series to find out who lived happily ever after because it certainly wasn’t me!

See whose growling now! Grrrrrrr.