Thursday, November 13, 2008

Useless Bitches Part 1: Bathrooms

Actually I don't consider 99% of women useless (or bitches). I consider a woman useless when she refuses to help herself, using a common household problem to make someone else jump up and act as her personal servant because she's just too good to do her own work around her own damned house, the particular woman I'm thinking of having gotten her house in the divorce. My opinion is if she got it, maintenance is her problem and she can quit calling on her ex-husband for household services.

This has been a bone of contention with my boyfriend the PS, a recently divorced (and very lucky--I did say he'd divorced her) and very nice man. His ex-wife called our house at all hours of the day and night, asking him to drive half an hour and more to their former marital estate to do/fix/clean up/restart/jump start/other thing she's got two hands and enough common sense to either fucking do herself or have her girlfriend do it for her (so it's not like she's all alone in this cold cold world--she left him for someone else). She's perfectly capable of doing these things herself, so she enters the Useless Bitch category.

Finally raising Hell about it all and threatening to leave put a (partial) stop to the calls, reserving them for the worst of disasters, ones where a friend would naturally help. (I don't think you pay maintenance to friends, but he disagrees, so every once in awhile we still have this particular fight.) Maybe I'm just a pain in the ass, but I just don't think someone who's taken you to court so she can be free of you, yet expects you to pay maintenance plus other sorts of fees that float into one's life, can still be your friend, having done these things to you, but that's my own personal opinion and another post.

Tonight's situation in my own home brought this to mind. You see, my toilet's plugged.

I don't know what the fuck Mom did but it's plugged. So, she and I are doing what we women of sturdy (even though both of us are disabled) Scandahoovian stock do: We're unplugging the fucker ourselves, something that apparently other women of Scandahoovian stock (who used to be married to my boyfriend) aren't capable of, even tho their doctors aren't trying to get them to have bilateral hip replacements or pain-controlling implants (remind me to blog about that asshole doctor sometime) and they happen to be in perfect health.

I was actually on the phone with the PS when my mom told me she'd plugged the pot--it never occurred to me to ask him to come help us. He's half an hour from here and works 3-11. While he doesn't have to be in early in the morning, he still needs sleep. Besides, it's just a plugged toilet--we can do it ourselves and if we can't, well, the landlord gets the job from there since he owns the place and we rent from him. So I told him I had to get off the phone, then began working on the toilet.

I'm writing this in between bouts with the plunger--two of three medical conditions that I have require that I only spend 15-30 minutes on my feet at a time, so I plunge and flush and plunge and flush awhile, then sit a bit, then repeat. Mom's taking shots at it as well--she's less able to stand but puts in the time she's able to in between the work I do. I'm sure we'll eventually get this fucker unplugged because we're not, you know, Useless Bitches.

In fact, while I've been plunging, I've been thinking. Thinking that it can't be possible to be a Useless Bitch all your life. Here I am, clearing my own fucking plugged toilet while I'm not in the world's best shape, so it has to be possible to teach Useless Bitches to do things like this, thereby turning them into Useful People (If they choose to be Bitches after that, there's nothing I can do about it and will have to leave them to their Bitchiness until they choose to un-Bitch themselves someday).

And so begins Lesson One: Plugged Toilets

Preface: Unless something radical has been done to a toilet, like, for instance, your son has jammed a handful of Matchbox cars down the toilet or your daughter put her Menstrual Barbie's first sanitary napkin down the drain, it's easy to unplug your plugged toilet.

Equipment:

1 dose of Mother's Little Helper medication (such as Xanax, Valium, etc) (optional, and just kidding) to keep you from offing the offspring responsible for the plug. Note: If the guy in your life did it, make his ass get to work unplugging it--he's just as capable as you are, unless he's a Useless Bitch too, in which case I'll have to write another lesson while you unplug your potty. Send me a note and I'll get to work.

EDIT: If you prefer, a bottle of wine or other adult beverage can be substituted for the Mother's Little Helper. It's being added because I don't drink so I don't think about adding it to the lessons. I'll try to remember in the future.


1 Toilet, plugged (and the reason for this party lesson)

1 Plunger--If you don't already have one of these it's time for a trip to the hardware store/Wal*Mart of your choice to get one, because you're truly screwed without one.

Procedure:

1. Stick plunger into toilet, up against the bowl outlet(the thing that the hole in the bottom of the bowl leads to) in the bottom of the bowl.

2. Push on the plunger, forcing the rubbery part to push air and/or water through the hole in the bottom of the bowl. The idea is to push a bunch of the water or air inside the plunger through the hole to make it clear out the junk that's plugging the toilet. Keep doing this several times, until either the water in the bowl suddenly rushes out the hole in the bottom of the bowl or you wind up low on water because it's slowly leaked out the hole but has left the toilet still plugged.

3. Flush the toilet, making sure that it doesn't overflow--most have a no-overflow sort of thingy (I'm a Useful Bitch, not a plumber--I don't know what the damned thing is called, I just know it keeps the toilet from overflowing.)these days, but very old ones may need their water shut off to keep from overflowing. The valve that would do that is underneath the toilet's tank--just turn it til the water shuts off. When you need the water again, turn the valve the other way and get water again.

4. Repeat Steps 2 and 3 until suddenly the water rushes out of the toilet bowl, then does it again when you flush the pot again.

5. Rinse the plunger and return it to its place next to the toilet brush, clean up any water that got out onto the floor or onto the seat (ew, ick water--trust me, you want that cleaned up!), wash your hands, and call it a done deal.

There! You did it! You did something your damned self, and have taken your first step into Usefulness! Congratulations.

I'll probably be posting Lesson 2 the next time we have trouble around the house or the PS's useless fucking ex calls again.

Until then,
Be Useful Unto Yourself and Those Around You,
Pandora

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9 Comments:

Blogger derfina said...

HA. Maybe she's operating under the principal of "Sometimes being a useless bitch is all a woman has to hold onto"!

Also, you left out 1 ingredient in your unplug the terlet recipe-1 bottle wine to be imbibed prior to starting step 1

*smooches*

12:16 PM  
Anonymous Three Cent Stamp said...

LOL. This is hysterical! And I completely agree with you in that the useless bitch should do her own maintenance! On the other hand, I can think of one reason why an ex-husband would continue to help around the house: it's his investment too. Sometimes, the wives get the houses for awhile but then they need to sell and split the proceeds. In this case, I would understand if he wanted to protect his investment. If this isn't the case then he needs to let her live her wonderfully, divorced life and fend for herself. Good post!

12:20 PM  
Anonymous Three Cent Stamp said...

LOL. This is hysterical! And I completely agree with you in that the useless bitch should do her own maintenance! On the other hand, I can think of one reason why an ex-husband would continue to help around the house: it's his investment too. Sometimes, the wives get the houses for awhile but then they need to sell and split the proceeds. In this case, I would understand if he wanted to protect his investment. If this isn't the case then he needs to let her live her wonderfully, divorced life and fend for herself. Good post!

12:20 PM  
Blogger Billychic said...

I think I just laughed so hard I almost pissed myself.

Yeah, I agree w/ Derfina - however wine's fine, but liquor's quicker. LOL

xoxox
d

2:15 PM  
Blogger Pand0ra Wilde said...

@Derfina--With this one, it's more like retaining control over something that was once hers (yeah, she tends to think she owns people--kind of sick but she really is that way). And I didn't think of the wine because I don't drink--the meds I'm on added to booze are a short cut to an overdose, so I stay away from alcohol for the most part. I did correct the lesson to allow for it for those who imbibe.

@Three Cent Stamp--At first it was an investment issue, but now that foreclosure is a bigger issue it's more like I told Derfina--control, and he's improved a bit since the problem first started, fortunately. There's been more telling her to deal with her own issues and live her own life and less of her summoning him for handy-work bullshit.

@Billychic--I used to be really fond of alternating shots of Cuervo Gold and orange juice--so fond that OJ still doesn't always taste right without the Cuervo. Glad you liked the post.

6:50 PM  
Blogger sydwynd said...

How funny you bring this up. Just last night, the Wife went to bed early while I was reading. She came back down and said "You plugged the toilet." and then went to bed. So I fixed it.

It appears some things do happen the way you would expect.

On a side note, if she plugged the toilet, she might politely ask me to assist. However, during my Navy days the Wife was left totally alone in a strange city to fend for herself to fix things around the house and managed quite nicely on her own. It's a good story so I shall blog.

12:50 PM  
Anonymous ammogirl said...

The first time I visited my in-laws house I plugged the toilet. You bet your ASS I found my usefulness that day...my husband and I had only been together a couple of months at that point. Potentially horrifying.

3:03 PM  
Anonymous LisaBinDaCity said...

What a pain in the ass, (no pun intended!) I HATE doing that but alas I'm pretty good at it.

8:50 AM  
Blogger Pand0ra Wilde said...

@Sydwynd--I read that! And military wives are among the LEAST useless on the list EVER! Their men have an awe-inspiring job to do and they're on their own while they do it, no matter how much they whine or bitch, it's on them. And they take that job up, without the whining, and they do it.

Funny--My boyfriend, the PS, had a call from his daughter about a month ago. She'd just been told her boyfriend was due to go to Afghanistan, and said she told his DI that he couldn't go--she wasn't fucking allowing it.

Yeah, I did just about piss myself--how did you know?

The Wife, Sydwynd (Vince), is amongst the least useless women around, being that you're ex-Navy and she was on her own a lot due to that. The coolest part? YOU acknowleged that about her in that post you wrote after reading this one. Hugs, Vince and thanks.

@ammogirl--I did that on a first date too!! But I'd done it before back in college in my first apartment so I had the general idea of how to do it--thank Dog I knew how--we'd just started dating too!

And yeah, my college roommate in that apartment was a Useless Bitch so I did get stuck with the job after SHE plugged it.

@LisaB--No one likes the job, us or the guy who might wind up with the job too like Vince did. We do it anyhow, though, yes?

9:39 PM  

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