Friday, January 16, 2009

Are You a Good Wife or Girlfriend?

This is priceless.
From Housekeeping Monthly's May 1955 issue: "The Good Wife's Guide"
and of course...don't forget...
A good wife always knows her place!

(click the image below to see it larger and follow along)

How about these as replacement bullets? Item by item:

  • Forget About Dinner - let him bring in take-out or make his own damn meal. You just spent a day working yourself or with the kids...suggest pizza, chinese, or thai. If he balks, take the kids out to a restaurant (or go alone), and leave him at home.
  • Prepare to Be Comfortable - since he's probably not even going to notice you as he makes a beeline for the bar for a cocktail after surviving yet another day not getting canned in the New Economy, feel free to wear sweatpants, your hair up in a ponytail, and a rock t-shirt and bare feet. If he wants you to look pretty - tell him to buy you some new clothes.
  • Be a Little More Gay - go bang a woman instead. You'll get a lot more on your returns.
  • Don't Worry About the Clutter - just hide everything in the closet. Preferably his.
  • Dusty? Don't Worry! - get one of the cats or dogs to run their tail back and forth through the will be moved around enough so that everyone sneezes but you can actually see through to what's underneath!
  • Make the Place Comfortable - and then I recommend buying a JackRabbit vibrator...because catering to YOUR comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
  • Turn Up the Stereo - crank up whatever tunes you want to hear; encourage the animals and kids to make noise! It's gonna be a fuckin' party!!!
  • Be Happy to See Him - if he deserves it.
  • Greet Him Accordingly - if he's a darling, then be his sugar mama. If he's an ass, tell him he can kiss yours, and head out with your friends to the nearest pub.
  • Listen To Him - and get him listen to you. If you both have issues about your day, you can share them together. If he thinks that his problems are the only important ones, remind him that he's going to have an even bigger problem if he keeps acting like that.
  • Don't Be a Doormat - if he comes home late all the time, goes to places without you (including dinner) on a regular basis, and basically just thinks of you as the doorgirl/coat check chick, then find yourself someone else who does love you and leave his ass. Be sure to try to talk to him first; if that doesn't work, then be sure to not be home when he DOES get home...make him wonder for a change.
  • Your Goal - to be the best person you can be for yourself...and if he's a winner, he'll be able to enjoy and reap the benefits of that and celebrate that with you.
  • Don't Greet Him Bitching - he's probably had a rough day, too. However, once he's home, feel free to share your life and the issues you may have, and encourage him to tell you about his day. If there is a crisis, that supercedes anything and blurt it out when he gets there.
  • Have A Game Plan If He Stays Out All Night - including a baseball bat to bust upside his head.
  • Greet Him With A Cocktail - and then ask if he wants one too.
  • Have a Pillow Fight - it could lead to some really good sex.
  • Concerned? You Have Every Right to Ask Questions - any relationship that isn't a two-way street verbally is destined for the dumpster. You need to listen to him...and he needs to listen to you.
  • A Good Wife/Girlfriend Alway Knows - period.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don’t care. This baby is a classic. When I get it on E-Bay I’m going to pin it up on the fridge. First the vote and then the 60’s. Next we’ll be the ones wearing kilts and heels. :P

6:07 PM  
Blogger Not Afraid to Use It said...

I guess telling him in a flat voice how much I hate his job and the hours he works when he is on his way home to us warrants a cocktail his way every now and then.

4:50 PM  

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