Okay, So I Met A Guy Last Night

...who is an amazing photographer and filmmaker. He worked with my father 8 years ago. He is 2 years older than me. He has lived in China for the past 8 years and just got back to America two weeks ago for the first time.

And for the first time in four months - I kissed a guy. It was not a huge, passionate make-out session - it was a single little kiss. And suddenly, I realized, that I am not dead inside anymore. Whether or not he and I just remain platonic - after spending 10 hours until 5am talking and drinking and having a kiss - but he's a wandering man who goes where his work is, so he won't be around for long, I don't think - it doesn't matter.

I'm not dead inside anymore. I can feel passion again (dude was so hot I can't even begin to say it; and I don't think he really, truly knows how beautiful he is...in a haunting way)...I can feel giggly again, like a little girl. I was flirting. I was having thoughts - I wanted to rip his clothes off, and I just wanted to talk. It was so weird.

But yes - I will repeat it again, for I can't believe it: I'm not dead inside anymore.

He was teaching me Mandarin last night while we listened to The Miami Vice Fucking Soundtrack and laughed and talked and read a scene from my play that I will be doing together.

I may not ever sleep with him - and that will be fine (although what a waste - Oh, the Places We Could Go!)...I would love to be his friend.

But he opened up my mind, body, and heart again. I have a crush. One who isn't married or just fucked up and makes me feel unattractive. I think S. is into Asian women...so I may not be his type. I have so many types it could fill an atlas of the human geosystem. That doesn't matter...

Oh Jesus it feels good to be alive! I don't care if the world stops tomorrow - as long as I know now that I can feel those things again. Even if they never lead to anything more than friends with him...I know that I feel beautiful again.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.