Fuck You AND Your Elfin' Lovin'

Yesterday the wife and I decided we'd had it with people. Well, ok more accurately, half-drunk, half-stupid "exceptionally midwestern" straight white people.

We're at this post-New Years party and everyone's on their way to another alcohol buzz, it's 2pm and I'm thinking. Drinking makes me really obnoxious (over my usual limit of obnoxious) I can't drink in this company.

And they're all sprawled on the couch (this beer-fattened couple, sans bread crumbs) watching "Lord of The Rings" or one of those over-blown fantasy things...and the music is blaring, and they're drinking their "wedding beer" (it was their anniversary too, and they had this giant bottle of Belgium Beer with an...Elf? on it?)

And I'm like, "what's this?" ... usually dumb movies are playing at this house. I've gotten used to it. And the wife under blanket, sprawled on couch is like, "are you KIDDING?" And I gave her that look I give my students like, "you heard me...shut up."

So we're subjected to dramatic readings of the script, misty-eyed memories of that day they watched all three in the theater (in a row?), and on and on.

I tried to escape to the kitchen for more water when it started to feel like Mystery Science Theater over there on the couch.

Now here is why I'm writing this crabby little piece.

"Oh no, the elf LOVING!" The husband whines. I look at him, because watching them act like sedated nursery schoolers on the couch is INFINITELY more interesting than this movie I glance at him questioningly.

"Well," I wonder if he realizes that he's sort bordering on pissing me off.

"Well, it looks like they're about to make out sometimes. I mean...really."

Ok asshole...you're a GROWN MAN, half drunk at 2pm. Your wife brings her blanket with her to other people's houses, and you're complaining that a little elfin' lovin' borders on
what, inappropriate?

That does it, I'm not leavin' the house anymore.

And my campaign motto is surely, "seltzer in 2008"