But I'm A Republican!

You know, I spent an hour and change Tuesday writing a big old reactive post about the whole Don Imus affair, and I’m actually kind of glad the computer ate it, because this whole thing is getting way the fuck out of hand, and I’m nauseated at the way the media keeps humping this story like the proverbial dog at the fire hydrant, and if we’re going to hinge a discussion about racism on this asshole’s remarks, well, I may just have to rip my eyeballs out with a coat hanger and/or move to a bunker in Nevada and broadcast extraterrestrial conspiracy theories on AM radio a la Art Bell. So I will say this: Imus is a dick who made a stupid, crass, bigoted remark, and while I certainly think he deserves to take some well-deserved shit for it, there is a difference between a true racist and a person who makes racially charged remarks yet does not, prima facie, support the institution of racism. Imus, I suspect, is the latter. Rush Limbaugh, whom you may recall made the remark, “Who cares about black people? They’re like 12% of the population,” is the former. And while millions of dumbasses depend on Limbaugh for moral and political guidance, no one depends on Imus for anything (including, I suspect, entertainment. But I’m an overeducated, undertrained Lefty slacker who doesn’t get up before ten if she can help it, so what do I know?). But no one sees fit to call Limbaugh on his OxyContin-laced shit because, as the blogosphere describes it, IOKIYAR (it’s OK if you’re a Republican), and Imus is not, to the best of my knowledge, affiliated with any political stripe. Hmmm. Maybe I should change my voter registration for the sole purpose of being able to spew all sorts of racist, sexist bilge and not get called on it! [/sarcasm]

Seriously, though, I was psyched on Wednesday night when it looked like my beau Keith Olbermann was going to address the question that’s been driving me stark raving batshit all week, namely, why just Imus? Why not Limbaugh, or Glenn Beck, who claimed a female black senator dresses “like a ghetto chick,” or Michael “Wiener” Savage, or, hell, any of the knuckle-dragging yahoos over at Fox Noise (KO’s term, not mine, as is the aforementioned phallic moniker)? Hello, Ann “Invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity” Coulter? Well, he addressed it, all right, for about ten seconds during an interview with Jesse Jackson. Hey, Keith! Come on, man! Don’t work it into the promo and turn it into a big ol’ production number if it’s just gonna turn out to be a one-act in a black box theatre in Brooklyn! (Yes, I realize that’s what promos are for, and I actually prefer black box theatre in Brooklyn to big production numbers. I’m just saying, tell it like it is.)

So CBS and NBC have fired Don Imus. Which is fine, really; it was a prickish thing to have said, and as persons-on-the-street and columnists alike have raised this week, if an ordinary person in a run-of-the-mill job ran his or her mouth off like that, said person would have been canned. That still doesn’t answer the question why Imus was singled out above all else. Hopefully someone at The Nation can, or already has, come up with an answer I can live with. However, the mail has not yet arrived, so I’ll just have to subject y’all to my half-assed theories, which are:
#1. This is yet another symptom of the Theme Parking of America, in which we’re tolerant of bigotry and outright racism as long as it’s shoved under the umbrella of right-wing nutbaggery (under which Imus, I must point out again, is not, strictly speaking). Hey, we were all right with “Hee Haw” back in the day, ‘cause that was on TV, and they were singin’ and twangin’ and chewin’ their corncobs and they just made it all look so dang-tootin’ nice! Who needs The Grapes of Wrath? And Limbaugh and Hannity and Beck, well, watching them is kind of like going to Disneyland as envisioned by David Duke, so what’s the big deal? Spit, hiss, growl.

#2. This is like when you were in junior high homeroom and there’d be like ten of you horsing around, and just at the moment everyone got quiet you’d manage to blurt out, “Eat my shorts, asshole!” and the teacher would send you to the principal because “You were the one I heard!” True, but I wasn’t the one talking about how we should put a stink bomb in your car and write “Mr. Cooper is a dick” on your windows with soap. Maybe you should send those people, too. Again, spit, hiss, growl.

Too many John Hughes movies? Sure. But Mainstream Media? Let he among you without sin and all that jazz. Since you won’t cover real news anymore, I propose we go after Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck, and company. Guess who else was the one the teacher always heard?