Wednesday, October 24, 2007

A Wednesday Morning Shout-out With a Vengence

I was sick for the past two days, so getting out into the "real world" to go to work today was a hassle and a half in and of itself. I'm still not feeling well; I'm cranky; I have two people very dear to me that have been hit with terrible news, and I'm unable to really do anything for them other than just say "I love you and I'm so sorry this has happened to you"; and then for some reason the people I encountered today while in transit on the 35+ minutes it took to get to work just got under my skin.

So, here's a brief shout-out to all of these individuals I encountered this morning:

1) To the obnoxious woman on the L train who insisted on standing up and getting out of her seat while the train was still moving so she could be the first to get out, thereby tripping me and making me almost fall, I hope you get crabs. I hope they're really big crabs, too, like the kind you see at a seafood buffet, so that you can't hide the fact that you've got them, and have to walk around wearing a fucking diaper. Maybe you won't walk so fast for a while.

2) To the guy in the expensive suit who walked past me in the train station, banged into me, and totally almost dislocated my shoulder and didn't even say "excuse me," I have one colorful thought: I hope you get The Runs today. I hope that while you're giving a report on the financial status of blah blah blah or whatever it is that you think is so important to get to that you can't even shout a brief "sorry!" when you really HIT somebody, albeit inadvertently, I hope that suddenly your bowels let loose like a hurricane, and the nearest bathroom is way-too-far-away to make it. Good luck getting the suit cleaned.

3) To the guy that stuck a flyer in my face almost cutting my lip with the paper, I'd like to stick him in a trunk of a car and leave him there overnight with nothing to read but the paraphernalia that he's slapping in people's faces.

4) To the gorgeous young woman who walked past me at Union Square, who is obviously a model, with perfect bone structure, slim figure, porceline skin, who's about 25, with luxurious hair pulled back in a ponytail and still all these things with not a stitch of makeup, I'd like to say one thing: fuck you. You didn't do anything to me, but I was sick for two days and gained two pounds because I ate and didn't work out. So, just...fuck you, okay? Thanks.

5) To the guy in the farmer's market who was talking to two young teenage girls asking them what time it was, and whom I walked by and said loudly, "Run, girls, this guy is a pervert - he tried to pick up two teenagers like you here last week!" and they walked away from him quickly and he started shouting at me as I walked to work, blending in with the crowd, smiling, I appologize. You were obviously just asking for the time, but I really, really needed that.


Anonymous kat said...

I'm telling you .... 2 shots of whisky (3 if you're sick) and hit those bed sheets (yours or someone else's, whichever you prefer)! ;-)

Hope you feel better ... sucks to be sick.

3:53 PM  
Blogger Pand0ra Wilde said...

Hehehehe, I love the last one! I bet it made all the rest bearable.

Billychic--I'd still like to write for OW. I'll simply have to make the posts a little less personal due to two things going on in my life, so I hope that's ok.

I'm kicking around a couple ideas between hits off an inhaler so I should have something soon.

10:50 PM  

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