Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Good Morning!: My Morning Commute

Or is it afternoon now? Nah, it's still A.M. on the clock.

I hope everyone is having a great day - I spent the morning wrestling with an obese, hairy woman on the L train as we fought for a place to stand without killing fellow commuters. Her part of the mass genocide would have been due to any sudden movement of her rear decapitating anyone sitting nearby; mine would have been simple commuter rage, starting with her. Don't get me wrong - it was only about six months ago that I was Jabba-the-Hutt-Esque in size myself, so I'm not dissing on fat people...just fat people that burn my ass.

There was somebody with really bad B.O. standing next to me. That really pissed me off...I mean, if I take the trouble to make sure that I don't smell like ass before I leave the house so I don't accidently cause domino-effect vomiting on the train or anywhere else I happen to wander, I simply ask that others do the same - especially if I'm stuck with about 100 of the bastards in a tin can moving at five miles an hour through an underground passage covered by a huge river. And this is coming from a claustrophobe. You make the call as to how much of a horror show this potentially has for me.

I was finally able to get through and grab hold of a handle bar, but the guy sitting (well, underneath me...that sounds so naughty) was reading a book. I tried to not bump into him too much, but as I may have mentioned, the train was FUCKING PACKED, and so his book kept hitting me in the crotch. He had the audacity to look annoyed that I was keeping him from reading. This guy was practically having a live sex show with me on the train without my consent - with a Tom Clancy novel, for chrissake, not even a James Joyce, Thomas Pynchon, or Stephen King - and he was pissed? I bet I have bruises. Fucker.

So...I arrived at work...and was greeted on my computer by awesome jpgs by my pal Carl - a.k.a. Loer Velocity...that made me snort my coffee (what was left that I hadn't spilled on the fucking train) and cackle.

Hope you all had as good a morning as me!!!



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