Mothers Who Won't Let It Die
I'd like to thank Billy for inviting me on here...I need a place to vent. I mean, where do you start - when then only way you get your 81-year-old homophobic mother to stop rehashing one of your ex boyfriends as a possible future love interest (since there is nobody knocking at your door, currently) is to tell her that he's gay? I don't even really think he is, but I had to say something to get her to stop idolizing him. She's so homophobic that if I said he liked to go to the ballet occasionally she would raise an eyebrow.
Actually, I didn't tell her that he's gay, I said he's bisexual.
Well, actually, I didn't first say that. I first said he liked to have things shoved up his butt.
Here's how the conversation progressed:
Me: "Mom, look, I told you the next time you bring him up I'm going to hang up on you."
Mom: "I don't know what you're getting so upset about. I'm just saying that he was one of the best boyfriends you ever had and you complaining that you're all depressed and lonely..."
Me: "Mom, I don't want to hear this -"
Mom: "And I think he is still single after all this time..."
Me: "Mom - I'm going to hang up -"
Mom: "It's just that I care about you and - "
Me: "HE LIKED TO HAVE THINGS SHOVED UP HIS ASS WHEN WE WOULD HAVE SEX, OKAY??? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM NOW?"
Mom: Silence.
Me: "Mom?"
Mom: "NOOOOOO. Are you serious???"
Me: "Yes."
Mom: "What kinds of things?"
Me: "I'm not telling you. This conversation is over."
Mom: "Just tell me - what kinds of things?"
Me: "Mom, he was bisexual, okay?"
Mom: "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
Me: (trying not to laugh) "YESSSSS!!!!!"
Mom: "He couldn't be!"
Me: "Yes! He was! He fantasized about men all the time!"
Mom: "That doesn't prove anything..."
It took like another fifteen minutes to get off the phone, because she really thought I was going to sit there and tell her what kinds of things this guy liked me to shove up his ass. In reality, this guy was as much of a homophobe as she is, and it was all I could do to not laugh right out loud...but boy did I howl when I got off the phone.
I mean, this is what I'm dealing with. I have to go to this extreme to get her off my back. I wonder if anyone else has a mother who is THIS much of a pain in the ass.
Happy to be here, folks, happy to be here.
Actually, I didn't tell her that he's gay, I said he's bisexual.
Well, actually, I didn't first say that. I first said he liked to have things shoved up his butt.
Here's how the conversation progressed:
Me: "Mom, look, I told you the next time you bring him up I'm going to hang up on you."
Mom: "I don't know what you're getting so upset about. I'm just saying that he was one of the best boyfriends you ever had and you complaining that you're all depressed and lonely..."
Me: "Mom, I don't want to hear this -"
Mom: "And I think he is still single after all this time..."
Me: "Mom - I'm going to hang up -"
Mom: "It's just that I care about you and - "
Me: "HE LIKED TO HAVE THINGS SHOVED UP HIS ASS WHEN WE WOULD HAVE SEX, OKAY??? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM NOW?"
Mom: Silence.
Me: "Mom?"
Mom: "NOOOOOO. Are you serious???"
Me: "Yes."
Mom: "What kinds of things?"
Me: "I'm not telling you. This conversation is over."
Mom: "Just tell me - what kinds of things?"
Me: "Mom, he was bisexual, okay?"
Mom: "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
Me: (trying not to laugh) "YESSSSS!!!!!"
Mom: "He couldn't be!"
Me: "Yes! He was! He fantasized about men all the time!"
Mom: "That doesn't prove anything..."
It took like another fifteen minutes to get off the phone, because she really thought I was going to sit there and tell her what kinds of things this guy liked me to shove up his ass. In reality, this guy was as much of a homophobe as she is, and it was all I could do to not laugh right out loud...but boy did I howl when I got off the phone.
I mean, this is what I'm dealing with. I have to go to this extreme to get her off my back. I wonder if anyone else has a mother who is THIS much of a pain in the ass.
Happy to be here, folks, happy to be here.
posted by Cadaverous Nunat 12:14 PM
5 Comments:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh man - I could tell you some stories. Holy shit.
Thanks for sharing that...
Welcome. lol
I posted a Mom entry just this week too. Something in the water that has them losing their freakin minds perhaps?
I don't know, but I do know that I'm about to lose MY mind - so either way, there are loonies wandering about...
Thanks for reading.
Very rarely does something make me laugh out loud at work. Thank you!
I was laughing so hard that I had to pee and Was glad that I wasn't far from the potty!
Would you mind if I shared this story with my sister? It will either make her feel grateful that our mom has not yet started in on her, OR, it will give her an idea of how to prepare to become Teflon Woman!
Good luck to you with all that. I think you should'a just told her what it was that went up the butt. Lie about it, make it gross so then she would just give up already!
Good luck!
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