Why Are Shitty Lovers Nice People?
It seems that that title wouldn't make sense: if someone is a shitty lover that usually means that they don't care about the person they're with - and therefore that makes them...well, it makes them a jerk, right?
In most cases, yes. However, I think the person that I have been sleeping with lately is an exception to the rule.
He is really, really nice; he is concerned for my health and welfare; he tries to help me through my issues with addiction, etc; he encourages my art. In terms of looks and physicality, he's extremely attractive and is well endowed (not gigantic, because that would terrify me, but he's not lacking in that area). Once the clothes come off, he stays hard as a rock and has plenty of stamina; he sticks around to (try) to get the job done (or what he thinks is getting the job done).
However, get the guy in bed, and you find out that:
1) He does not like to go down on women. The only time he ever has so far is if I actually force my crotch into his mouth. I'm not sure if this is his idea of a good time, but I'm not well-versed in Klingon foreplay and I would much rather be ravished that have to orally rape my lover.
2) I have to always be on top. Always. Some women may like that, and I do admit that I enjoy being on top at least 50% of the time...but I really would like to try other styles - and good old fashioned missionary is still right up there in my top three positions. This guy is so lazy (well, he's also overweight, so that might have something to do with it) that inevitably he waits for me to climb on before we can get anything going on. I feel like I'm getting on a kiddie ride and am wondering if I'm tall enough to ride on this ride. Part of the problem is that his enormous stomach (he is an ex-football player, so he has broad shoulders that make him look more stocky and burly than just a big fat-ass) is in the way, so if he tries to take me on the bottom I am nearly crushed to death. Literally. One time we tried it and I had to fake an orgasm just to get him off of me. Another problem stemming from this is that he gets winded.
I'm afraid he's going to have a heart attack during sex like one of the opening scenes of Private Benjamin.
3) He really hasn't a clue about foreplay. In fact, if it wasn't for a little groping and a quick kiss, I would think he was asking for me to pass the salt or something or the remote for the tv instead of his quirky signals that are supposed to suggest to me that he wants to get busy.
4) Going back to number ONE: he loves it when I go down on him, but will then immediately get me to climb on top to finish the deal or else just keep blowing him (all the while begging me to stop so we can have sex, although he won't let go of my head). Never, ever, ever, any reciprocation.
This is a guy that I have started to really care about...but am I an idiot if he's wonderful in every other way but in bed and I want to stop seeing him? Inevitably, I get off, but I could on my own with a few batteries and an Adam & Eve Catalog. He's been there for me more than any other guy I've ever been with in my life...but I really think that if we stay together I will have to find another lover on the side...and I don't want to hurt him like that.
I've tried talking to him about it - and he said he would make an effort to try harder. He has started some actual foreplay now...but he still doesn't go down on me...and he won't offer an explanation.
Why do I get stuck with these...oy. I can't even finish the sentence. Anyone?
In most cases, yes. However, I think the person that I have been sleeping with lately is an exception to the rule.
He is really, really nice; he is concerned for my health and welfare; he tries to help me through my issues with addiction, etc; he encourages my art. In terms of looks and physicality, he's extremely attractive and is well endowed (not gigantic, because that would terrify me, but he's not lacking in that area). Once the clothes come off, he stays hard as a rock and has plenty of stamina; he sticks around to (try) to get the job done (or what he thinks is getting the job done).
However, get the guy in bed, and you find out that:
1) He does not like to go down on women. The only time he ever has so far is if I actually force my crotch into his mouth. I'm not sure if this is his idea of a good time, but I'm not well-versed in Klingon foreplay and I would much rather be ravished that have to orally rape my lover.
2) I have to always be on top. Always. Some women may like that, and I do admit that I enjoy being on top at least 50% of the time...but I really would like to try other styles - and good old fashioned missionary is still right up there in my top three positions. This guy is so lazy (well, he's also overweight, so that might have something to do with it) that inevitably he waits for me to climb on before we can get anything going on. I feel like I'm getting on a kiddie ride and am wondering if I'm tall enough to ride on this ride. Part of the problem is that his enormous stomach (he is an ex-football player, so he has broad shoulders that make him look more stocky and burly than just a big fat-ass) is in the way, so if he tries to take me on the bottom I am nearly crushed to death. Literally. One time we tried it and I had to fake an orgasm just to get him off of me. Another problem stemming from this is that he gets winded.
I'm afraid he's going to have a heart attack during sex like one of the opening scenes of Private Benjamin.
3) He really hasn't a clue about foreplay. In fact, if it wasn't for a little groping and a quick kiss, I would think he was asking for me to pass the salt or something or the remote for the tv instead of his quirky signals that are supposed to suggest to me that he wants to get busy.
4) Going back to number ONE: he loves it when I go down on him, but will then immediately get me to climb on top to finish the deal or else just keep blowing him (all the while begging me to stop so we can have sex, although he won't let go of my head). Never, ever, ever, any reciprocation.
This is a guy that I have started to really care about...but am I an idiot if he's wonderful in every other way but in bed and I want to stop seeing him? Inevitably, I get off, but I could on my own with a few batteries and an Adam & Eve Catalog. He's been there for me more than any other guy I've ever been with in my life...but I really think that if we stay together I will have to find another lover on the side...and I don't want to hurt him like that.
I've tried talking to him about it - and he said he would make an effort to try harder. He has started some actual foreplay now...but he still doesn't go down on me...and he won't offer an explanation.
Why do I get stuck with these...oy. I can't even finish the sentence. Anyone?
posted by Cadaverous Nunat 4:21 AM
6 comments
