Get off your ass and get happy.

No, I did not say 'get STONED off your ass'....although for some of us, that might not be such a bad idea either.

But I'm not getting into the weed issue right now. What I'm talking about now is exercise....fitness....getting involved in sports, becoming a member of a gym, or in a lot of New Yorkers' cases, just using the gym membership you're already paying over $100 a month for....and how it can do even greater wonders for your personality and spirit than it can for your body. I should know. After recently re-beginning my old habit of working out 5 days a week, I'm still too scrawny in some places and too flabby in others, I still don't look like I'm 18, but I FEEL better. Remarkably so, even. Energy's up. Depression's down. Endorphins are flowing. Ugly things like tension, frustration, and anger are released. I have remembered why I got addicted to working out in the first place, and I'm quite sure that addiction's been rekindled. Sure, it's not healthy to be addicted to anything, but considering the other, damaging things people get addicted to in the search for energy, pleasure, relaxation, and release (none of which I'd know anything about....HA!), who's worried about spending a bit too long at the gym?

Going to the gym regularly is turning me into a more stable, more pleasant person. I live in NY, land of unstable, unpleasant, basically unHAPPY people. So I've decided that they should all start working out too, and release their tensions in a nice controlled environment....far, FAR away from me. I can will them to do that, I suppose, but it's not going to get me too far. Unfortunately, telling random strangers to start working out probably won't accomplish too much more than willing them...except perhaps offending them and having them try to maul me, which is actually one of the things I'm trying to avoid. But friends are another matter. On the whole, my friends are a high-strung, stressed-out, overtaxed lot, a surprising number of them manic-depressive and/or suffering from anxiety disorders, and an even more surprising number of them in possession of unused gym memberships. I see nothing wrong with pressing them a bit to turn off the TV, log off the computer, stop contemplating their own navels, and go out and SWEAT. So that's exactly what I've decided to do. And they will listen to me, because I obviously know what I'm talking about. Right? Ehh....

So much for that plan. Apparently, the only thing I've accomplished is becoming the world's most annoying fitness advocate. No one's actually taken me up on my advice yet....NO ONE....but I didn't realise just how annoying I'd become till last night, when I brought up the 'gym thing' with a very dear friend of mine and was informed that I really needn't mention the issue EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN' DAY....he got it the first time. Hmm. Do I sense some anger there? Maybe he did get it the first time, but how am I to know? Maybe he and the 10 others I brought it up with that day just weren't listening the first ten times. Nearly all the others I mentioned the issue to over the past two days have either ignored me completely or accused me of being a sanctimonious gym rat. Jeez, it's not as if I'm calling up asking people if they've accepted Jesus as their lord and saviour. I'm not being rude or lording it over anyone. I'm trying to be HELPFUL for godsake. Guess this approach isn't any good either. Unfortunately, I've pretty well run out of other approaches. Here we see why I could never work in sales. I get my best results by just keeping a distance and willing people to do things. Maybe I should just put on some sneakers and go to the gym and let them sort themselves out. Yeah, I think I'll do that...

But before I do.....you look a bit tense. Do you belong to a gym? You really should consider it. Sure some of them are pricey, but so are shrinks if you do a bit of searching you'll find something good in your price range. For the cash you spend in a week on booze, cigarettes, junk food, controlled substances, you could pay for a membership to a more than adequate gym. What's that? No time? Come the hell on. You're reading this aren't you? You have a TV, don't you? Make the blinking screens go bye-bye, put on some clothes, and MOVE. Most gyms have TV's there anyway. Hell, some even have the internet. How different is reading this where you are now to reading it whilst pedaling a stationary bike, or watching *fill in name of TV show here....I haven't watched in so fucking long I have no idea what people are afraid they'll miss* on your couch as you cram cookies and ice cream down your throat to watching it as you take a leisurely walk on a treadmill? You make no sense. You crazy.

Stop making excuses. Stop being miserable. Stop whining about being too fat, too skinny, too weak, too flabby, too WHATEVER, and bloody well do something about it. You won't see an overnight change, but you won't see any change at all so long as you stay anchored to that chair. But most importantly, getting up and actually doing something with that body Mother Nature gave you WILL show an overnight change in your mood, something New Yorkers....and most others I've encountered....could really use. Call me annoying if you wish, but I'm just telling you what I know to be true. Just pretend it's New Year's....you know, that magical date on which everyone swears they're going to turn their entire lives around and live right? Resolve NOW, because if you don't, in another year's time, that gym membership will still be collecting dust and you'll still be flabby, weak, and miserable. And no, I will not still be pestering you. I'll probably be at the gym.

Speaking of which, I'm putting my soap box away now. Time to be productive, so I'll have time to work off my frustrations later....see you at the gym!

Happy Turkey Day!

I just thought I'd extend a Happy Thanksgiving to our readers from all of us here at Ornery Woman!



This time of year can be a horror show...or a joy. Usually, it's a little bit of both...between wrestling Uncle Larry for the drumstick at the family dinner, or trying to decide if you should tell your sister that her boyfriend was spotted at an all-night gay review; trying to avoid fights between divorced family members, or keeping your dog from humping a guest's leg - it's all a little strange.



So, just stay sane and happy if you can!

Gobble,
OrneryWoman.com

Fuck Computers.

Yes, I realise how utterly ridiculous this statement might sound in this arena, seeing as this is after all Teh Intarwebs, and both you and I need to use those vile machines in order to write and read my inane blather. But even still, the fact stands. Computers might be a necessary evil in this, the dawn of the 21st century, but they're still fucking evil.

And here's why.

See, I have complained for years about the awful plague on our society that we call television. I am a child of the 60s, and for people my age and younger, television has, from the day we were born, been a drug....an addictive, patently useless device that renders US just as useless as itself. My family and most of my friends' families when I was a kid had one television, in the living room/parlour/den/whateverthehell you choose to call the family room, and at a given time in the evening, if we could all agree on a programme, we'd plop down and watch. Anyone who didn't want to watch what the majority did would go off and busy him or her self with whatever other hobby he or she pleased. Yes, I said 'hobby'....remember those? Writing, art, model making, music....that sort of thing. Hell, we were even known to engage in physical activity back in the day. Somehow, we found the time. But nowadays, when there's a TV in every fucking room in the house, no one needs to have outside hobbies anymore. Someone doesn't want to watch what everyone else does? So? Just go to your room with your personal set and you don't have to. Watch what you please. So what if you don't 'have the time' for creative endeavours or keeping in shape? Those things are secondary.

Or to people with TV they are anyway. Me, I fucking hate the thing. I can proudly state that I've NEVER had cable, and for the past 3 years, I have not actually had a television at all. I have no idea what the hell's on TV these days and I don't give a good god damn. I have a full life and I don't need to waste my time with the boob tube.

But I have a computer. And this is where the problem comes in.

Computers, computers with games and internet access particularly, have become the snob's television. Those of us who are too good to waste our time with television still somehow manage to become computer potatoes. Recently I realised, to my horror, that I was spending literally HOURS a day parked in front of a screen....albeit a computer screen, not a television....but a screen all the same, most of the time not doing ANYTHING AT ALL WORTHWHILE. This is when I decided two things - (1) I was going to start blogging again, since if I need to have this fucking piece of overpriced crap in my possession, I'm at least going to get some constructive recreational use out of it, and (2) I'm going to start limiting the time I spend on the bloody internet.

And so I have. I no longer allow myself to eat in front of the computer, regardless of the circumstances. I do not access any websites except for email and work-related shite before lunchtime. To make a long story short, I have cut my internet time down to less than half what it used to be. And lo and behold, I'm still alive. And I doubt if the results would be too different for anyone else. Trust me, MySpace and AIM are NOT crucial to your existence. You can actually go DAYS without accessing them, and when you do decide to go back to them, not only will they still be there, but you might even find you'll spend less time at a shot on them, since in your newfound OFF-line time, you might have actually developed a real-life SOCIAL LIFE.

I expect to rant more about the internet in posts to come. I have serious issues that have arisen lately with paranoia and security worries based in instances of nosey, internet-addicted, social-life-impaired individuals breaking into my email and other password-secured information, issues that never would have come into play in the days BEFORE everyone had internet access 24-fucking-seven. I have been stalked on the internet, both by people who found me through websites like my old blog and MySpace, and by people who found me in real life and used the net to further track me. People have even used the internet to insult and spread lies about both myself and friends of mine, in their own names, and of COURSE in others' names and anonymously, because after all, what's the internet for (besides porn) if not making cowardly attacks on other people without having to worry (too much) about being found out and retaliated against?

But I'm not going to get into any more of this now, nor am I going to talk about how computers and free wifi everywhere has turned New York into an even lonelier city than it was to start with. And you know why? Because I'm meeting a friend....a real, live, flesh-and-blood person....in a little bit, and I need to skedaddle. Yeah, that's right...I have a life. And I'd advise you to turn your fucking computer off, and get one too. It's not too late, I promise.....

So when are you having children?

I have to admit, I am beyond tired of hearing this question.

When we were dating, people would ask when we were getting married. We got really good at answering politely or with smartass remarks depending on the number of times that person had asked us. Eventually (after 6 years) people stopped asking. Thank God.

Then we got engaged. Apparently this opened new doors for people to ask the children question. Neither of us expected it though we probably should have. We started getting good at answering with a simple (and annoyed) "let us get married first" but had to be careful with the one we both wanted to use - "we don't believe in having children before being married." Though we don't, 2 of his 5 sisters are single moms. No need to offend anyone. Just not for us.

OK so now that we've been married for 3 weeks we keep hearing the children question. Please. Even at the reception we heard comments like "now they can work on having kids" and "do you think you'll try for a honeymoon baby?"

Whose business is it -- ours or theirs?

Wait, who said we're planning on having kids or if we can even have them?

We have friends who tried to conceive for 6 years after they were married. They hated hearing from their families the "aren't you trying?" question. The one day my friend's mother made the mistake of asking her son-in-law. His response? "We just realized that we've been doing it wrong. Apparently oral sex doesn't get you pregnant" The mother turned bright red and walked away. She never asked again.

Tell me, when did having kids become something that involves the entire goddamn world? Do I need to tell you about each time we fuck or if my period is late? Should I put an ad in the paper to announce that we're planning on having children?

I thought that having kids was something my husband and I got to decide for ourselves, not something that was required of married people. Having children is something personal for a couple and a major life-decision. If we choose to have children, we'll decide it on our own accord, not because you want us to. Besides, will you help pay for and raise our children?

Remember, what comes around goes around. As someone who has been bombarded by those folks and their questions, I ask one thing: be sensitive to others' situations. You never know when you might have to babysit their little monsters and get what's coming to you.

I'm In A New Age State of Mind

So I'm having a revelation that one of my friends, who has become one of my best friends over the last year, feels old to me - like, I've known him before...in a past life. That we were brother and sister or something - not romantic, just very very close.

Not to get too weird or out there, but I believe in past lives and reincarnation and all that jazz - I just do. When I was about two or three years old I turned to my Mom one day out of the clear blue sky and said, "You know that baby that you almost had before, that died - that was me; I was supposed to come to you so here I am now!"

And then I turned around and started playing with my toys again.

My mother had never spoken about the miscarriage she had had before me; she had made it a point to not ever bring it up around me. Weird, huh?

Or, one day when I was around the same age and Mom was asking me why I was so scared of taking a bath, I told her that I had drowned in my last life.

That's not your average toddler talk. Some kids are talking to Big Bird on their Sesame Street plastic phones, and I'm talking to Krishna. It's just weird...but it makes sense. When kids are really little, they are closer to that other side - and still have memories.

So, I'm in this situation where I feel this intense kindred spirit with this friend of mine. He's very attractive, very handsome; there have been times when I've studied him, physically, asking myself if I'm attracted to him. Because let's face it; I'm a horndogger and not above nailing anybody with a heartbeat that I find remotely attractive. But after the initial thing of "yes, he's handsome" is gone, I realize that I'm really not attracted to him at all that way; if I was to ever come onto him or him to me, it would be so weird - like doing the same thing with a brother. Ick.

I honestly have this instinctual gut feeling like I've known him all my life - and before then. He and I share similar creative aspirations and I feel almost like I need him to help me complete them. I want to grow old with him as a friend, sitting around a table cutting up telling fart jokes and discussing acting.

I think part of it is that he reminds me of my father in some ways, and he also reminds me of myself. He also really cuts into me - he's so brutally honest with me about things when I'm fucking up - drinking too much, getting too depressed, whatever - he seems to feel the same comraderie about me, like I'm a sister. We have only really started hanging out for about a year, but in that year I feel like I have found the male version of myself - and someone who I was always supposed to run into.

I just feel weird, because I really hope his wife never thinks that I'm hitting on her old man. He and I spend a lot of time together talking about acting or working on creative projects and I worry that she might feel that way. I really dig her and would never want her to be stressed out about that.
Then again, I might just be projecting; I'm a jealous bitch and if my guy was hanging around some other woman - even if she was overweight and less attractive than me (his wife is this gorgeous, tall, lithe dancer chick that makes me look like a troll in comparison) I would still be a raging thundercunt and worry he was banging her.

Perhaps not all women are as insecure and heinously jealous as myself; I need to remember that. So, hopefully, his and my friendship will always remain intact and I can try to trace it back hundreds of years, as I make my way down the New Age trail of past lives.

Topamax: Should I Take It?

Again, I've been MIA due to some health issues I'm dealing with, and have been dealing with for two months now. Nov. 7th marked the "two month exactly" mark - I'm just happy that my kitty Nina is getting better and running around beating up the other cats - now Mom has to get better.

I just had a brain MRI on Tuesday - but I'm sure it's not my brain (well, maybe a few brain cells short from all the grass I used to smoke, but nothing bad), and that it's the inner ear/vestibular thing I mentioned in previous blog entries, but better to check and be sure.

The neurologist I saw this week said the thought I had Benign Positional Vertigo, which is inner ear related...

Regardless, I just want to find out what the hell's going on. I'm tired all the time (even writing my Blogs has been too much work, really) and the vertigo thing is sucking big time.

I also started getting really bad headaches...moreso near the time of my period (get ready all you male readers, to barf, I know - sorry) but they seemed to have the signs of being Migraines.
So the doc prescribed Topamax - it's fda approved to be a preventative for Migraines. He thinks that my headaches might be related to the vertigo in some way...

What is weird to me is that Topamax is mainly used to treat epilepsy and lessen seizures, as well as other uses...
I was checking out CrazyMeds.org's site about the drug, and there are a lot of side effects because it is focusing on the lobes of the brain. Some of them are memory loss and cognitive impairment. and kidney stones.

Great. Just what I need. I've been really depressed for a while, now I'll just be dumb and depressed and unable to pee.

As the doctor slid the 42-tablet sample bottle across the table to me he said "One of the side effects is weight loss. Some people like that."

Goody, I thought - because I've gained weight and one could easily fit a six pack on my ass as a side table - while I was standing.

However, I am cautious about taking this drug...anything that messes with the brain's cognitive abilities is scary to me. That's why I haven't taken anti-depressants even thought they have been gently suggested from time to time.

So, I'm throwing this out into the cybersphere - if anyone has any suggestions or cautionary tales or success stories on this, please let me know.

What Having MS Means...

[I didn't write this, and I don't know who did, but it communicates many things that I've struggled to express. I feel that it is relevant to us all, not only those who have or know someone with Multiple Sclerosis. There are many "invisible" illnesses in those we come across in our daily lives. Perhaps reading this will aid in treating others with compassion, even when they appear to be healthy... because you never know what difficulty someone might be wrestling with that you are unable to see. - Martha]

Having MS means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about MS and it's effects on us; and many of those who think they do know are actually misinformed. In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand...

These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me:

Please understand that being sick does not mean I'm no longer a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion and if you visit I probably don't seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I still worry about school, and work, and my family and friends, and most of the time I'd still like to hear you talk about yours too.

Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable with it for a week or two, but I've been sick for years. I can't be miserable all the time, in fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy, that's all. It doesn't mean that I'm still not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things. Please, don't say "Oh, you are sounding better!" I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you are welcome to.

Please understand that being able to stand for 10 minutes doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand for 20 minutes or an hour. Just because I was able to stand up for 30 minutes yesterday doesn't mean I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases and disorders one is either paralyzed, or they can move. With MS it's far more confusing: one hour or day or week or year we may have normal - or almost normal - mobility; the next hour or day or week or year we may be unable to sit, stand, walk, think, remember, or even get out of bed, we may be unsociable or depressed, and almost assuredly we are in pain. We have good days and bad, and during our good days we may truly not "look sick", but we are.

Please understand that making plans other than immediate ones is a crap shoot at best, because we can't know how we will feel or what our physical, mental or emotional condition will be. If we seem to hedge about making plans with you, please understand it's because we truly don't know if we will be able to honor them. The same applies if we have to cancel plans previously made or invitations, even at the last minute - it is not personal, and it makes us as frustrated and sad as it does you! That is what MS does to us, and it's how we must live our lives. It is not just a matter of sucking it in, or bucking up, or psyching ourselves up; believe me if we could, we would!

Please understand that MS is variable - with each person and from person to person. It is quite possible and often all too common, that one day I can walk to the park and back, or bicycle 2-4 miles, or swim 12 laps, or even run with my dog; while the next day I may have great difficulty getting out of bed, walking to the kitchen, or be unable to walk at all without a cane, walker or other mobility aid. Please don't attack me when I can't do today what I did before by saying "but you did it yesterday!" or "you did it before!" Your frustration can not begin to compare to our own frustration. The very act of planning while not knowing what condition we will be in is stressful and tiring in itself. If you want me to do something with you, or go someplace with you... ASK if I can. I may well dearly want to go, but simply be physically unable to do so. Understand if I have to say no today, but please ask me again soon.

Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better and can often make me seriously worse. Telling me that I need a treadmill, or that I just need to lose (or gain) weight, get this exercise machine, join this gym, try these classes, take these vitamins, herbs, tonics and snake-oil cures will frustrate me to tears and is totally incorrect. If I was capable of doing things, don't you think I would? And when I am capable, I DO! I work with my doctors and physical therapists and follow the exercise and diet plans they prescribe.

Another statement that hurts: "You just need to push yourself more..." Obviously, MS directly impacts muscles and ours do not regenerate as quickly as yours do. Pushing ourselves beyond comfortable physical limits can be dangerous and cause a severe relapse. On the other hand, doing what we can when we can is excellent therapy both physically and mentally... and we do! If I work at a part-time job for 4 hours one day, my fatigue level is greater than yours if you worked a 12 hour day. Many days I can still do anything I ever did as well as I ever did ... but only one thing per day or week or month. Everything drains us and exhausts us exponentially more than a normal, healthy person our age (whatever age that is); our recovery time is also exponentially greater. If I go to a party or dinner and show tonight for several hours and have a wonderful time, I do so knowing with 99% certainty that tomorrow I will need all day to rest and recover, much of it spent lying down. MS causes secondary depression in and of itself; our depression may escalate when dealing with days on end of constant pain and limited mobility or cognitive function. We are NOT tired because we are depressed! We are depressed because we are so tired.

When I say I can't do something because I am so fatigued, please don't say "Oh I know what you mean! I am worn out too, but..." because you don't. MS fatigue is not like any tiredness you have ever experienced, nor has anyone who does not have MS or other fatigue-producing disorder. I know you mean well, but it's irritating to hear because it tells me you don't understand me or my MS at all. I may well be just plain tired - we get normally tired during remission phases just as any normal person does - but trust me: we know the difference, and it's huge.

When we are together, please understand when I say I have to sit down, lie down, get a drink, take these pills, or get into a cool place that I have to do it and do it now! No, I can't walk another 5 blocks to the car, or walk back down the hill I just climbed up. Don't baby me, don't hover over me, don't do things for me unless I ask - we are very proud and never want to be a burden. Our independence, or what we can retain of it, is of paramount importance to us! Please help by listening to and believing what we say we need and act upon it accordingly and as quickly as possible. You wouldn't question a known diabetics request for orange juice or insulin, so please don't question us or urge us to 'keep on... we are almost there!' Not unless you are prepared to a) carry us the rest of the way or b) call 911. MS does not wait, nor does it forgive... when we say "please ... now!" it means now.

If you want to suggest a cure to me, don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because I have had almost every single one of my family and friends suggest something at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured, or even markedly helped, all forms of MS the world would know about it. If you still insist on promoting 'cures' to me or giving me 'this will make you better' advice, do so; but understand I won't rush out and try it though I may well continue to research it on my own and discuss those findings with my doctors.

In many ways I depend on you... people who are not sick... I need you to visit with me when I am unable to go out; sometimes I may need you to help me with shopping, cooking or cleaning; sometimes I may even need you to do those things for me. I may need you to go with me to my doctor appointments to help me remember and understand their direction, or I may just need a ride. I need you on so many different levels... as much as possible, treat me as normally as possible, enjoy me and allow me to enjoy you as much as possible, and.... as much as it's possible...

I need you to understand me.

Sex, Booze, and Pyramids

Par-tay!

So NOW I know where the term 'We're gonna party like its 1470 B.C.!' comes from...

I knew that Hatshepsut was such a slut!