I Wish I'd Never Been Born
Well, been a while. This is the first time I'm going to be back writing in months. Short, sweet, and to the point...I wish I had never been born.
I mean, what the fv/k, who the hell am I and what am I doing here? I'm a stress case post-teen stuck in Liminality with no education and an identity crisis. Nice.
BUT...
I do have a Nintendo DS that I link-play with random little kids I see in public (cuz you know how they have that WiFi option that let's you wirelessly link to any console within 400 square yards of you, pretty cool actually). I read graphic novels for adults as some sort of twisted oxymoron of being a kid and an adult, or maybe just being an adult and wishing I were a kid again, or wishing I could still be considered a kid. I think the worse thing I do though is pick out older men in my life who embody my idealized version of mentors and hero's and follow them, idolize them, make myself and my upbringing their responsibility so that they can take the place of a father I never had. That job announcement's been open since I was a...kid. Still accepting applications.
My "father" is like 61 years old and Albanian and grew up in a concentration camp somewhere in Kosovo. He never had a father, "so he doesn't know how to be a father," at least according to my mom, and I'm supposed to feel bad and give the poor guy a break for trying to at least raise his family.
Well dammit apparently his idea of "raising" a family is raising his voice and the back of his hand. That sonofamother doesn't flush the toilet, and then when the hallway bathroom is hopelessly clogged he won't let his kids use his bathroom. We have to hold it until mom comes home. I held it all night once. He used to smack me across the face so hard I'd go to school with red marks until my mom threatened to call child services on him.
And life is worth living right?
My dad doesn't know how to be a father, so why the hell did he have kids? What the hell am I doing here? Why the hell would he be so selfish as to bring a child into the world just because he felt like it. Or wait, no, someone told him to. Apparently you're not a real man or a real woman unless you have children and you're selfish if you don't.
Well I'll be damned, that sounds like getting a puppy for Christmas and it's the old toy by New Years. Why the hell do people even have kids anyway? I mean don't they know that life is FUBAR so bad that it should be illegal to wish a full life span on their worse enemy? Much less a child?
I wish I had a father, seriously. I wish I had a hero to look up to and model myself after so that I don't have to go around looking for role models in older men. Now I'm probably gonna go play my PS3 or something, trying to grow up through fantasy hero's on TV.
I mean, what the fv/k, who the hell am I and what am I doing here? I'm a stress case post-teen stuck in Liminality with no education and an identity crisis. Nice.
BUT...
I do have a Nintendo DS that I link-play with random little kids I see in public (cuz you know how they have that WiFi option that let's you wirelessly link to any console within 400 square yards of you, pretty cool actually). I read graphic novels for adults as some sort of twisted oxymoron of being a kid and an adult, or maybe just being an adult and wishing I were a kid again, or wishing I could still be considered a kid. I think the worse thing I do though is pick out older men in my life who embody my idealized version of mentors and hero's and follow them, idolize them, make myself and my upbringing their responsibility so that they can take the place of a father I never had. That job announcement's been open since I was a...kid. Still accepting applications.
My "father" is like 61 years old and Albanian and grew up in a concentration camp somewhere in Kosovo. He never had a father, "so he doesn't know how to be a father," at least according to my mom, and I'm supposed to feel bad and give the poor guy a break for trying to at least raise his family.
Well dammit apparently his idea of "raising" a family is raising his voice and the back of his hand. That sonofamother doesn't flush the toilet, and then when the hallway bathroom is hopelessly clogged he won't let his kids use his bathroom. We have to hold it until mom comes home. I held it all night once. He used to smack me across the face so hard I'd go to school with red marks until my mom threatened to call child services on him.
And life is worth living right?
My dad doesn't know how to be a father, so why the hell did he have kids? What the hell am I doing here? Why the hell would he be so selfish as to bring a child into the world just because he felt like it. Or wait, no, someone told him to. Apparently you're not a real man or a real woman unless you have children and you're selfish if you don't.
Well I'll be damned, that sounds like getting a puppy for Christmas and it's the old toy by New Years. Why the hell do people even have kids anyway? I mean don't they know that life is FUBAR so bad that it should be illegal to wish a full life span on their worse enemy? Much less a child?
I wish I had a father, seriously. I wish I had a hero to look up to and model myself after so that I don't have to go around looking for role models in older men. Now I'm probably gonna go play my PS3 or something, trying to grow up through fantasy hero's on TV.
posted by Raven Calisterat 5:35 PM
5 comments
