Friday, October 20, 2006

Misconceptions about women with children....

....oh, and there are many. We're sexually frustrated. We wear flannel nighties. We drive minivans. We know every word to single Sesame Street song ever written, by heart (okay.....so that last one might be true....) However, there is one falsehood widely believed about mothers that is more false than all the rest combined. That is...that we like children.

You better believe me when I tell you this could not be further from the truth. We do not fucking like children. We like our children. Yours make us sick.

Now, I'll readily admit that I used to be an exception to this rule. Even after growing up in a house with a younger sibling population in the double fucking digits, I actually, voluntarily entered into a profession where I dealt with practically no one but freaking rugrats. Even after I had my own, I continued for years to actually enjoy the company of children. But then one day I snapped. There are a lot of theories as to why I walked out on the little fuckers one day never to return, but the one I'm sticking with is that I simply wised up. Children are creepy, little, underdeveloped humans....literally an army of quasimodos....half-bloody-formed. The only under-12-year-old human that's worth the air she breathes and the space she takes up is my own damn kid, and that's because she's special.

So please, in the name of all that is holy....stop expecting me to fawn all over your disgusting spawn. Don't hold your breath waiting for me to see things 'your way'. If your kids have nothing to do with mine, keep them the fuck away from me. And if they do have anything to do with mine, keep this in mind : my child is smarter than yours. She is funnier than yours, prettier than yours, more athletic and way better behaved than yours. I don't give a flying Philadelphia fuck if your kid has retractable wings and a glow-in-the-dark goddamn halo, and mine's been consistently poking her in the arse with her pitchfork all day, every day since the school year started. My child is perfect, and if yours has a problem with her, then yours is obviously a bloody troublemaker. Because my kid is good, and yours is evil.

Get it? Got it? Good. Now fuck the hell off outta here with the little beasts before I'm forced to get the tranquilizer gun.

1 Comments:

Anonymous thordora said...

Afuckingmen. I've been saying that for awhile and getting that "look" for my efforts.

while other kids are cute, I don't particularily like them.

1:49 PM  

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